Page 6 of Antidote

I nod slowly, “Yeah.”

Ollie grabs my hand and intertwines our fingers, and I squeeze him tightly until he winces. It makes me smile, but I loosen my grip and just hold him instead. He rubs his nose against my cheek, and when he turns his head, I kiss his temple softly.

“Boys don’t kiss like that,” Conrad, my stepdad, says. It makes me slightly wince. Ollie and I have always been affectionate, which has never been a problem. Though I guess the older we get, the weirder it looks. I never used to care so much about what he thought, but now that it’s been a few years of having a father figure, I want to be on his good side. It feels nice to have someone who cares about me. And yet…

“He’s my baby brother,” I snap.

“Hey! We have the same birthday,” Ollie protests, and I smile.

“I was born first.”

There’s a moment of silence, and our dad sighs. It’s a tired sound, and I narrow my eyes at him. He wipes a hand down his face slowly and looks over at me with pleading eyes. I know exactly what he wants, so I put a very annoyed Ollie on the couch next to me, letting him drape his legs over my lap instead.

“Thank you,” Dad says, and Mom rolls her eyes.

“Yep,” is all I answer, turning my head to watch the movie once more.

Ollie grabs my hand again, and I don’t reject him. I don’t have it in my heart to do so, not after I put him on the couch. So I just loosely hold his hand and close my eyes, letting him burrow closer to my side. Once we’re flush with each other, I let myself fall asleep.

14 YEARS OLD

Ihave plenty of friends who have brothers, but I’ve noticed that none of them act like Ollie and I. We’re closer and more affectionate. I don’t care—I kiss his cheek at school, or his forehead, between classes anyway. We don’t often sit together since he spends most of his time with Ian. Which sometimes pisses me off, I won’t lie. I want to be the only best friend he has.

However at fourteen, we’ve had to distance ourselves a little, or people will look at us weird, like we’re crazy. I’m on the verge of not caring anymore, but apparently, Ollie seems to. He keeps his distance from me as much as possible as long as we’re not home. At home, though…we spend most of our time together. Sometimes, we even sleep in the same bed still. Our parents have started commenting on how we need to sleep separately now that we’re becoming men. I call bullshit.

Ollie’s face is tilted down as he sketches on my bed, sitting next to me. He’s sketching a vase with some roses, and the shading is perfect. It looks 3D. He doesn’t look at me once, but suddenly, he opens his mouth and closes it again. Then, he repeats the gesture a few more times as if he’s a fish out of water. It makes me a little nervous, and I shove his shoulder lightly so he’ll look at me.

“What is it, Blue?” I whisper, not knowing if this is meant to be a secret.

“I—” Tears fill his blue eyes as he looks at me, and then he dry heaves like he’s going to throw up. I immediately take him to our bathroom and put him in front of the toilet, rubbing his back as his chest heaves. Nothing comes out, so he sits back on his haunches. “I’m gay.”

Gay?

I pause, staring at him. He seems distressed, like he’s going to be sick. Does he not want to be gay? Is he ashamed of it? Dad will not be happy about it, that much I do know. Mom probably won’t care either way. But me? I could never shun him.

“Say something,” Ollie whispers, his cheeks turning red.

I grab his hips and pull him toward me until he’s sitting on my lap facing me. I cup his chin and gaze into the prettiest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. No others compare, not even Hailey’s—the girl I’m dating. Now that I’m in ninth grade, Dad said I needed to at least have one girlfriend. To set the tone for high school.

Ollie blinks rapidly, and I realize he’s waiting for me to say something. “It’s okay,” I reassure him. “You’re my brother. This changes nothing. I love you just how you are.”

But his eyes dim, and instead of looking happy with me, he gets off my lap and stands. “Thank you. I’m going to bed.”

“I thought we were having a sleepover tonight?” I question, my heart beating a little faster. What if I can’t sleep without him now?

“Nah,” Ollie says softly. “I need to be alone.”

“Did I do something wrong?” I ask him, my hands beginning to sweat. I get up from the ground and tug him by his shirt toward me. “Ollie?”

“No.” He shakes his head, though his bottom lip trembles. He clamps it between his teeth to keep it still, and I have the sudden urge to release it. But I don’t. For once, I keep my hands to myself. “Just tired.”

I nod, then lean down and kiss his forehead. His skin is warm and soft under my lips, and I breathe in his vanilla scent like I’ll die without it. I don’t want him to go to his own bed, but I can’t say that to him. It would be weird.

“Good night, Ollie boy.”

“‘Night.”

And then he walks away from me without a glance back.

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