Page 53 of Mafia Star

“Yes.”

“I don’t think you love me yet. And I don’t know if I love you yet. I’ll back off if that’s what you want. I’ll sleep in the guest bedroom if you need more space to slow things down.”

“No.”

She blurts that answer. Then the tears start again. She’s so conflicted, and I don’t know what to do to make it better. I don’t know how to control this situation, and it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I don’t like her pulling away from me. And I definitely don’t like feeling like I can’t fix this.

“Daddy, I don’t know what I want. One minute, I feel like I need to retreat. But when you offer me that space, it’s like a knife to my heart. All I want is to cling to you. It’s humiliating to admit this. I’m not used to having such intense conversations all the time. I’m not used to revealing so much about myself. But I open my mouth, and I seem to just vomit my thoughts whenever I’m with you.”

“I never want you to regret sharing how you feel. There are so many things we won’t be able to discuss. So many things I can’t tell you. It’s unfair because I’ll always have to hold back a part of me. And you’re being vulnerable and open with me. I promise you I will always tell you the truth about how I feel. I don’t want you to retreat, Beth. I want to move at whatever speed you’re comfortable with, but I don’t want this to end. Just the opposite. I might not show it, but it’s fucking scary for me to feel so much for someone so fast. My family is different in so many ways from normal. My family is proof soulmates exist. I’ve seen it my entire life. I don’t know if you’re mine and I’m yours. But I’m willing to accept you might be because that’s just how it’s been in my family for as long as I can remember. I don’t know if you even believe in soulmates.”

“I think my parents could be. They still love each other after forty years, but I don’t get the same feeling from them as I do when I see Enzo and Chelle together. But they’re newlyweds. I believe Maks and Laura are the most perfectly matched couple I’ve ever seen, so soulmates must be real. Maybe I’ll think that about Enzo and Chelle once I get to know your brother better. I keep thinking you might be mine. But what if I’m not? What if you change your mind?”

Now we’re getting somewhere. I scoop her up and place her farther on the bed. I climb on next to her, and we sit facing each other. I lift her legs over mine and pull her closer.

“I have the same fear, piccolina.”

“You do? You seem so decisive about everything.”

“I am decisive because I’ve had to be. I rarely have the luxury of mulling things over. Sometimes I have to make quick decisions to be proactive, but more often than not, it’s reactive. But I’m trying to navigate this just like you are. I haven’t been in a relationship since my sophomore year of college. It just got too hard to keep girlfriends at arm’s length. It shocks the shit out of me that I’ve let you get so close so fast. It’s scary to feel so close to you when there’s so much risk to letting you in. Your safety and my family’s.”

I don’t think she would turn on me or my family now that her sister is a part of it. But she could. She could go straight to the feds. She could point them right to us and tell them everything I’ve told her.

“Marco, no matter what happens, I will not betray you.”

I nod as I swallow the sudden lump in my throat. We’re still dancing around things. We’re not talking about what changed everything twenty minutes ago.

“We didn’t fuck. We made love, and that scares the shit out of you, doesn’t it?”

She blinks several times; the seconds passing by. Then she nods.

“We did or something like that. But I’m not sure I feel that outside of sex.”

“Neither am I.”

I don’t know if that helped or not. Maybe?

“Daddy, some part of our minds understands what this is. But it’s not our conscious part. I don’t want to fight this, but I am scared. I don’t want to end this, but I need it to slow down.”

“That’s fair.”

She wiggles closer until she can wrap her arms around me. I pick her up, so she’s sitting on my lap.

“I trust you to get what I need because you already always do. I’m sorry I’m being this way. I wish you could make it all better, but that’s not fair to ask when I’m the one who’s fucked-up.”

“You aren’t fucked-up, and I wish I could fix it too.”

She sits back and looks at me.

“Me freaking out leaves you feeling out of control, doesn’t it?”

I nod.

“I feel like things are out of my control too. I need you as much as I feel like I should retreat. I wish you could be in control of all this, so I didn’t have to worry.”

“I would if I could.”

“I think you can, actually. Spank me.”

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