Page 62 of The Unraveling

And I have no memory of any of it.

I sit down on the closed toilet seat, trying to recall what I said. What I did. I have no memory of most of last night. What if I did something worse? Like call Gabriel?

My breath catches in my throat as I frantically double-check my call log.

Thank God.

Thank freaking God.

I stare at myself in the mirror. I’ve worried my brother. Set up a date with a man I have no real interest in. Hell, apparently I was ready to hop on a plane with him to England.

And that’s when it hits me that I’m a little afraid. Of myself.

And what I’m capable of.

CHAPTER 26 Now

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Just do your best.

It’s advice I’ve often given to patients, yet I’m not good at listening to myself lately. I stop at the restaurant door and take a deep breath. Yes, I made a date with this man while inebriated. But maybe it’s for the best. Maybe this is just what I need—a push to put myself out there. And really try this time. Dinner. Not just drinks. Date number two.

I open the door and look around. Robert is only a few feet away, but that’s not who I’m looking for, is it? Damn it. This time I didn’t pick the place to meet. Robert did. And yet we’re still in Gabriel’s neck of the woods.

Robert smiles and walks over. There’s an awkward few seconds where neither of us is sure how to greet the other. Kiss? Hug? Both? None? We somehow settle on an inelegant hug, one where we both go for the right side at the same time and then both move to the left in unison.

He laughs and puts both hands on my shoulders. “How about I go left and you go right?”

The acknowledgment of our clumsiness helps break the tension and we hug.

“I’m sorry if I’m a minute or two late,” I say.

“No worries. I didn’t even notice.” He winks. “It was only a minute and thirty-six seconds, by the way. Not that I was worried you’d ghost me.”

I smile. He’s a nice guy. The right mix of wry humor and wit.

Robert steps behind me to help take off my coat. “They said our table is going to be a few minutes. Would you like to get a drink at the bar while we wait?”

The thought of alcohol after how I felt when I woke up this morning makes me queasy. But we had drinks together last time, and I don’t want to admit I’m hungover, which would give away that our date was the result of my drunk texting. So I nod. “Sure, that sounds great.”

Robert lets the hostess know where we’ll be, and we take seats at the bar. The layout isn’t that different from the last place we met, with bistro tables and small booths lining one wall of the bar. I can’t help it: I scan each one looking for Gabriel.

“So.” Robert turns to face me. “I was surprised to hear from you after you hadn’t answered my last few texts.”

I look down. “I’m sorry about that. I guess I just lost track of things.”

Robert waits until our eyes meet to speak again. “Is that true?”

My gut reaction is to be defensive, say “of course it is.” But if I want any shot at a relationship with him, lying isn’t the way to start things. So I sigh and shake my head. “No, I’m sorry. It’s not.”

He nods. “Getting back out there after you lose someone can be hard. I get it.”

I act like I’ve just come clean, but is that what I’ve really just done? Did my ignoring Robert have anything to do with Connor and jumping back into the dating pool? Or was it something—or someone—else leaving me too distracted? I’m not sure anymore. I nod, though. “Thank you for being so understanding.”

A little while later, the hostess shows us to our table. My seat has a clear view to the door, and I wish it didn’t. With my back to the entrance, it would have made watching every person come in and out of the restaurant a lot more difficult. I couldn’t have twisted my entire body every two minutes. But this way, I smile and nod, sip my wine, shift my eyes slightly over Robert’s shoulder, and glance at the door. He doesn’t even notice my incessant checking.

Halfway through the second glass of wine I’d told myself I wasn’t going to have, I finally start to relax. My nerves calm and my shoulders lower. I even stop looking at the door as often.

“So what made you go into psychiatry?” Robert asks. “Is that the field you were interested in when you started medical school?”