Page 69 of The Unraveling

His breathing seems to grows louder. I need it to stop. Now.

“Please,” I say. “Please just go.”

The room is silent. He must be holding his breath like I am. Thirty long seconds tick by, then suddenly footsteps are crossing the room. No words. No discussion about what has just transpired. Only the jingle of the door handle, the creak of the door opening.

“I’ll see you next week, Dr. McCall.”

CHAPTER 29 Now

I spend the rest of the week distracted. I almost expect Gabriel to call, to reach out in some way.

We had sex.

I had sex.

With someone other than my husband.

You were the only person I’d had sex with in… over a decade.

I know sex doesn’t mean what it used to, that lots of people have sex all the time and it means nothing more than sex. Fun. An activity to do together, no strings attached.

But with Gabriel, there are all sorts of strings. All kinds of fucked-up, twisted knots and complicated ties, because on the list of people I shouldn’t have had sex with, he’s at the very, very top.

He pulled my hair, and I liked it.

He called me a good girl, and I loved it.

Worse, I’d tried to self-asphyxiate to take the high even higher.

Something a patient told me she likes.

A very ill young woman.

And I’d been the one to initiate the entire thing. Gabriel had been ready to walk away.

I stopped him.

And told him to fuck me hard.

I’d never even done those types of things with my husband.

Not to mention we hadn’t used protection. I’m still on the pill, but he didn’t know that. Plus, there are other concerns than pregnancy, aren’t there? We were reckless.

Yet I smile at that thought. Reckless. And I loved every damn minute of it.

I tap my fingers over my coffee mug, still full to the brim. An untouched salad sits on the corner of my desk, compliments of Sarah, who volunteered to go for lunch. But my eyes are glued to the spot where he bent me over, and I liked it.

Loved it.

Spent the next three nights remembering and turning my vibrator on high, because there are no low or medium settings when it comes to Gabriel.

I shake my head, try to shake off the thoughts, the imaginings. I should reach out to him. Tell him it was a mistake. Apologize, even, for encouraging it to happen. As his psychiatrist, I’m in a position of power. I could lose my license. Again. Maybe this time for good. It was wildly inappropriate, even if he’d all but told me he wanted me during our session…

My mouth goes dry. He wanted me.

“Meredith?” Sarah pokes her head in. I jump like I’ve been caught doing something bad. “Oh, I’m sorry to startle you. Are you all right? You look a little pale.”

That’s better than beet red.

---