Page 9 of The Duplicity of Thieves

I head up the path toward the looming forest, my legs carrying me as fast as I can to keep myself from decking Killian in the mouth before we get back home. He’s on my heels sputtering with this newfound rage. He waits until we’re back into the safety of the thickened trees before he finally speaks.

“What the fuck, Josephine? It isn’t fucking safe. These people don’t give a damn about what happens to you.”

I stop abruptly and flip around. He runs into me, catching me before I fall and setting me back upright. Once he sees my face some of the tension bleeds out of his.

“I get that you hate that I go outside of the Republic and that you take shit from Kate, but I didn’t ask you to do that. I’m not a fucking child, Killy. And sending a note through fucking Stafford? Wow. Just wow.” I turn back, storming down the path around the bend. The clearing opens around the Lethe. “I’m not some kid sister you can boss around forever.”

I head toward the black sand, kicking off my boots and sinking to the ground. Close enough to feel the danger of the water, but far enough away that it can’t magically reach up and grab me. I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I can see his reflection in the murky black water. His jaw is flexing and he’s looking over the surface like he’s reliving my death.

“You are not my kid sister. Not even close.”

“Then why do you fucking treat me like that, and not Vivian?”

He shakes his head angrily, as if I’m too fucking stupid to comprehend. “Because Vivian isn’t in constant fucking danger.”

“Oh, right. The invisible unknown danger.” I roll my eyes.

“Fuck Kate. I’m not talking about that. There’s a reason Remnant stick to their own. The outside world is nasty and cruel. Men are disgusting. Do you know what the men in that place will do?”

Fingerbang me in an alley, that’s what.

“They buy me drinks and tell me I’m pretty,” I retort.

“You have no fucking idea.” Jaw clenched, he shoves his hands in his pockets and glares down at me. “They will drug you, and fuck you, and leave you lying in the goddamn street.”

“Why would you care?” There’s a shrillness to my tone.

Bewilderment and confusion pass through his eyes. “Of course I care, Jo. I care about you. I do everything for you.” He’s defensive and fierce. We’re not in the street anymore.

My voice rises several decibels. “Everything?” I laugh incredulously.

“Why is everything I say such a joke to you?”

“I forgot.” My fists dig into the wet sand ready to explode in a tantrum like a giant child. “Killian, the mature one who always makes decisions for me because I don’t know what’s good for myself, right? Because I couldn’t possibly understand how to even figure out how to exist without you.”

“It’s not you. It’s me! I can’t exist without you. I’m in love with you,” he shouts. The air about him is desperate. I’m caught off guard, and I’m stunned.

“You don’t mean that.” I’m struggling to put confidence behind my words.

“I think it’s the only serious thing about me. How can you not see it?”

I’ve always known there was something, but I didn’t think it was like that. I figured he loved me because we’re best friends and because of our circumstances, but not…this.

“Then why do you keep me here?”

He sinks into the sand next to me, careful not to enter my personal space. “You think that every decision made doesn’t include you, and I get that. I don’t consult you, and maybe I’m wrong for that. I’m protective of you, but how could I not be? I pulled you from this water that night. The beautiful girl whose life was slipping from her body.” His voice is haunted. “You were never what I expected.”

I want to say something, but I don’t want to interrupt. This is the most he has ever really said about the night I drowned.

“Kate told me to set aside my feelings,” he continues. “I tried. I really did, but I’ve never been able to. I came to find you tonight because you were right. I’ve been scared of losing you. It was selfish. You should be able to choose your future, Jo, not have it forced upon you. I’m sorry.” He looks at me with pleading eyes. “I love you. Because of that, I can’t watch Kate use you anymore. I won’t be a part of it.”

His admission rolls around in my head. Everything comes into perspective. The memories pour in.

The way he sweeps me up during celebrations and twirls me around, grasping me to his chest. When Vivian and I have sleepovers, he crashes them and plays whatever stupid games we want, and how he gives us new gossip. When we play cards I somehow always mysteriously win. Every party he hovers around me, not giving me the opportunity to really entertain anyone else. His love has been quiet and constant.

But Kate also knew all of this time. Killian is telling me that she is controlling me instead of protecting me. It makes sense. She’s always been a little crazy and her ideas are convoluted, but he has backed her at every turn. Why?

Do I love him? Is that what this feels like? I’m not sure if I’ve ever been in love before, but I do know that I don’t want to be without him. There’s a dire need for his comfort. If anyone has ever loved me, then it’s him.

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