Page 59 of The Story Of Us

“Fuck you, Isaac.” She shakes my hand off, and all I can do is watch her walk away as I clutch the markers close to my chest.

“I know I should have just told you what was going on. I wanted to take it back as soon as I said it, but I knew it was too late. I tried to find you, but then I heard you were sick and went home early, so I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry, Violet. I’m just so sorry.”

She hasn’t said a word the entire time I’ve been explaining what happened, and I don’t expect her to either. We’ve been putting off this conversation for so long, but now it’s all finally out in the open, and it’s a lot for her to process at once. I’ve told my side and tried to explain it as best as I can, and I know it might not be enough, but all I can do is wait and see where she wants to go from here.

23

VIOLET

I didn’t know whether I’d feel happy, angry, or sad when I finally heard the truth from Isaac. But now he’s laid it all out, it just feels like relief, like a weight has been lifted from both of our shoulders.

Hearing him talk about what happened and explain how he felt back then was heartbreaking. Knowing what he was going through helped settle the mixed emotions that I’ve been feeling for these past few months since we broke up.

When I was sat waiting for Isaac that day, I had a feeling that something terrible had happened, and, in a way, I guess it did. I knew he was struggling with telling his parents what he wanted to do - we’d had so many conversations about how he would broach the subject with them and how we’d deal with however they reacted. But I had no idea how bad it was that they’d threatened to make him leave school early and finish off at home. He made it clear to me plenty of times that he never enjoyed going home, always opting to spend as many half-term breaks at school as he could.

Seeing him the next day on the way to breakfast, the worry I had felt was replaced with anger and hurt. He was just walking along, hands in his pockets, as if he hadn’t forgotten something so important to us and hadn’t completely ignored all of my texts and calls. Even when we were just friends, we spoke every day, whether texting in class so I could see him laugh or talking on the phone late at night until I fell asleep. I always expected a day would come when we didn’t speak to each other, or we wouldn’t be able to see each other, but I never expected it to be on our birthday.

When I confronted him, I didn’t think the conversation would take the turn it did. I thought he would just tell me where he had been, explain why he hadn’t replied to me and then apologise and I’d be annoyed with him for a day at most before we moved past it.

But then he said we should break up.

It was like I was looking at a complete stranger because the Isaac I thought I knew would never have said that. I thought everything between us was great that we made plans for our future and were going to stick to them, but as soon as I heard those words, the bubble we spent so long protecting popped.

I was so angry and upset that I didn’t even want to hear anything else from him, so I just threw the markers I’d bought for him, ones he’d mentioned wanting so many times in passing and that I saved up for, and walked away. When he grabbed my wrist, it felt like I was on fire. I just wanted him off me, so I swore at him and left him behind, even though it was killing me inside.

I didn’t go to classes for the rest of the week. I told all the teachers that I was sick until my mum came to take me home early for summer because it felt like the easiest way to avoid seeing him. I couldn’t stand the thought of having to see him after what had happened. I didn’t know how I’d react to having to see the boy who felt like my entire world - my past, present, and future - was now someone entirely different.

But now he’s in front of me, and I’m holding years worth of our relationship in the palm of my hands.

“Do you know what the worst thing is?

Isaac doesn’t nod or shake his head. Just waits for me to continue. The worry on his face is so clear, and I want to smooth away the crease between his eyebrows, poke his cheek so the dimple I liked so much appears, but I can’t.

“The worst thing is I couldn’t even hate you. Deep down, I knew something else was going on because I knew you.”

He closes his eyes, letting the words sink in, and I know using the past tense has hurt him. But I don’t know him anymore, can’t reconcile the Isaac I knew for six years with the one I saw on that day that changed everything.

“I just wish you could have trusted me enough to tell me, Isaac,” I say it quietly because I still wish for it. I want that trust back between us but I don’t know how to do it. “We could have figured something out. Together.”

“I did trust you. I still do.” His voice is low, and the sheer effort of recounting the entire story to me is taking its toll on him. “There were so many things I told you that I never told anyone else. Even now, no one else knows I’m not planning on going to Oxford. You’re the only one I want to tell because we made those plans together.”

I scoff, thinking about how foolish we were to believe this could last outside the boundaries of this school.

“We were stupid for thinking that we could plan a future together at sixteen.”

“No, we weren’t. I still want that future.” He steps closer to me, his arm brushing mine as he reaches for the cards, but I’m holding them tightly so his fingers run over mine before he drops them again. “I always wanted a future with you.”

“Then why did you end it?”

He lets out a deep sigh and steps away from me again, running his hands through his dark hair.

“I always feel like I’m disappointing people, but I never felt like that with you. You never wanted anything from me. I didn’t have to be the perfect big brother, or the perfect friend, or the perfect son. I could just be me. Whatever I was interested in, you always encouraged me. You’re the first person I ever showed my art to, and every time you said something nice about it, it felt like I was in a dream. I couldn’t believe how much you supported me just because you wanted to.”

His voice gets more ragged as he speaks like he’s finally letting out everything that he’s been holding in, and tears have started falling from his eyes.

“When I saw your face that day and realised how much I’d hurt you, I couldn’t handle it. I let you down just like I do with everyone else, but it felt so much worse because it was you.”

Isaac’s voice breaks on the word. He turns away from me, shoulders shaking as he takes in shallow breaths. I reach out to rest my hand on his back, wanting to create a physical tether between us so that he knows I’m here for him and that I’m not going anywhere.

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