Page 8 of King of Guilt

Grinning, she shifted a few inches away until she could lean back against the armrest. “I’d take that as a compliment any day. But I’m curious as to how?”

Looking away, my gaze moved over to the wide window overlooking the open skies. “She always tells me to postpone worry until worry’s due.”

“Wise woman.”

“And that escapism is what caused her to completely break down when my father unexpectedly died.” I paused, turning to look at her. “It’s also what got her obsessed with me finding love. As if love doesn’t come with its own set of losses and tragedies.”

“Losses and tragedies are inevitable, Dean. They’re a part of life. But you know what else is? Beauty. Joy in little and big things. Music, books, and art that stir you.”

“And intrusive thoughts that can ruin all of it,” I objected, sitting back and placing one leg over the other.

“Intrusive thoughts need to be examined. Of course, they demand acknowledgement and respect. But they, too, are subject to analysis and breakdown. You don’t think I’ve had my fair share of pain? I may have not lost a parent, but I’ve lost things… valuable things along the line. I still worry that I’ll lose more, but then what? Do I stop living?”

Furrowing my eyebrows, I felt slightly attacked. “I’m living.”

“You are, of course you are. But you can’t judge or blame Pearl for wanting more for you. She loves you. You’re her son. Of course, she wants you to be loved and happy. To fall in love and bask in every joyful moment it brings. Your mom isn’t deluded or I, she knows that loss will come eventually. But it will come anyway, whether you enjoy what comes before it or not.”

“Are you saying that I’m scared?”

“I’m not saying that. I’m just saying… if you keep an open mind and heart, your life will be enriched with so much more than what your mind can imagine. And love can be powerful, even if it lasts for one night.”

I snorted, running the tip of my finger along the rim of the glass. “I think you’re mistaking love for lust.”

“So? In the heat of a moment, didn’t you ever feel like you’ve transcended all logic and reason, and allowed yourself to get lost in affection so deep you could touch it? You could call it love?”

“That’s self-deception.”

“I don’t know. I think you’re smarter than to blur those lines. And my point isn’t the label; it’s the emotion. The sensations that come with it.”

“If you’re so pro-love, then how come you’ve been single since the day I met you? You never mentioned a boyfriend or even a date.” By the look on her face, I knew I’d crossed a line. Immediately, I shifted slightly in my seat, lifting up a hand, quickly saying, “You know what? You don’t have to answer that. It was wrong of me to expect you to share details of your private life at work. Actually, I admire your professionalism.”

She nodded, looking away and placing both hands on her knees, readying to stand up. “It’s okay.” Standing up, she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “Anyway. I’d better start getting Pearl’s things in order. I want this room to feel a little homier for when she comes out.” Heading to mom’s suitcase, she proceeded to unzip it. “Please, have something to eat,” she said without looking at me. “You didn’t sleep well last night, and you’re going to need your strength.”

Once again, I watched “my wife” take care of every little detail around the room like a professional. Aromatherapy candles on the tables. Mom’s favorite set of sheets and duvet, even her custom pillow. A picture frame of our family on the nightstand. The book mom was reading last night.

My eyes followed Emma’s movements, while my mind distracted itself by following guesses of what great loss she might have suffered.

five

The Newlyweds

Emma

“It went well.” The doctor finally came in to tell us. “She’ll be in the recovery room and then you can see her.”

Dean shot up, running his hands through his hair as a big smile beamed across his face. “How’s it looking?”

“Like we said before, we’re taking this one step at a time. For now, we just want to make sure that she’s stable and getting back to normal function. From there, and in the next few days, we’ll be able to evaluate the situation in a better light.” The doctor placed his hand over Dean’s shoulder. “Now, all you can do is relax and wait.”

“Thank you, doctor. Thank you,” Dean enthusiastically said.

Feeling apprehensive, I knew this sort of glee all too well. When things finally started looking up, the adrenaline would begin to drop, replaced by happy chemicals that cast a pink hue over the future. Afraid that Dean would start building high expectations, I grabbed his hand and tugged on it lightly. “How about now you eat something?”

Turning to me, he smiled and sighed as he practically threw himself onto the sofa. Leaning forward, he examined the tray of food in front of him and shook his head. “I’m really not that hungry.”

“You haven’t eaten anything since last night. And you had a screwdriver on an empty stomach,” I objected.

“It’s okay. I just want to see her and talk to her. I can eat then.”

---