Page 35 of King of Guilt

“What are you saying?” I drank the shot.

Just as Abel parted his lips, Nathan interrupted, “He’s saying that we were all surprised. And frankly… yes, we thought that it was just something you did for Pearl. But if that wasn’t the case, more power to you!” Raising his vape, he grinned, giving Abel and Chad a look that meant ‘lay off him now’ and took a long drag.

For a while, the conversation took on different forms. At one point, Chad was discussing the vision he had for a new character he was playing. At another, Nathan and Abel were arguing about a bill that had recently been proposed.

When Chad and Nathan’s deliberations intersected once again, Abel stood up, beckoning me to follow him. Playfully, I picked up the tequila bottle and the shot glass before walking in his steps, entering a small modern glass shed across the garden. Abel threw himself onto the sofa, running his fingers through his hair. “So, want to finish what you started?”

I lifted up the tequila, childishly wriggling my eyebrows. “I intend to.”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

Sitting down on the matching sofa across from him, I shrugged, my hands still busy holding the glass and bottle. “I—I don’t know what I want.”

“Meaning?” His eyes looked sleepy, yet he still tilted his head at me, anticipating an explanation.

“Meaning, yes… yes, you guys were half-right. Initially, I rushed into it for Pearl.” I made half a confession. “But Emma is such a good woman.” I didn’t realize that I was shaking my head sorrowfully until I looked up and saw the serious look on Abel’s face. That was when I finally chuckled. “It’s true, you don’t really know someone until you live with them.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I—It just kills me that we have to go through this on what’s supposed to be the best time in our marriage.”

“Well, if she’s a good woman like you say, then she must understand.” How much liquor did I need to say what was truly on my mind? How I wished I could confide in someone—anyone—with what’s going on in my heart. The reality of my situation with Emma, and the pickle I had placed us both in, was shameful to admit. Nodding, I listened to him add, “A good woman—a good person—isn’t easy to find in this world. You know that. But if you think you found her; if you think Emma’s really the one… then I don’t see a reason for you to be so confused. And trust that if she’s struggling, she’ll tell you. But for now, why don’t you enjoy the good fortune you had for finding her and enjoy your love?”

Our love. What love?

Not in a million years would I have dared divulge that I had married a woman without love. It was awful enough that I disrespected myself for telling such a lie to my mom. Sharing it with the rest of the world was only going to make me feel smaller.

Saved by Chad, I felt my face relax as soon as he stepped into the shed. “Hey, what are you guys doing here? Alma Morello is about to jump from the upstairs balcony into the pool!”

I couldn’t believe that Chad still allowed himself to pretend to enjoy dares like that. But who was I to judge him? Just like he had to humor the ways of those in his profession, I had to humor my lie.

Chuckling, Abel and I stood up, while the latter mocked, “Come on. Someone has to be ready with a phone to call nine-one-one.”

All in all, and aside from the half-assed heart-to-heart with Abel, I ended up enjoying my time with the guys. Drunk enough not to know how to put on my shoes without Chad’s assistance, I felt lucky to have my chauffeur ready when it was time for me to pass out in the backseat of the car.

Arriving home, my driver accompanied me to the door. The nap in the car must have helped a little, since I was able to go in on my own, and even made it to the stairs without trouble.

I staggered as I walked, sure… but wasn’t that the perfect depiction of my current state of mind?

seventeen

Old Stranger, New Home

Emma

Since Dean went out to meet his friends, I felt a little relieved. First, we went on the boat and had loads of fun, and now he was more open to enjoying himself away from work functions, social obligations, and community commitments. He was finally beginning to go back to normal.

Although that meant that the clock was ticking on our little adventure together, I genuinely wanted him to get better. That was why I chose to take some ‘me time’ and called my friends.

“My God, the billionaire bride has emerged!” My cousin Sara laughed through the phone. “I thought the patriarchy had you locked up in some tower with no phone line.” She laughed.

“What are you talking about?” I giggled. “Come on, you know we lost my mother-in-law, and it’s been a difficult time.”

“I know, I know. Now, are you just calling to see how I’m doing? Or are you craving some fun times with the old gang?”

“It’s only been a month. Don’t be so dramatic.”

“More than a month. Anyways, Sydney and Maude were just talking about going out sometime this week. I know tomorrow’s a work day—for all of us—but how often does Mrs. Allen resurface?”

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