Page 43 of King of Guilt

When Jefferson left the room, he left an echoing of thoughts behind him, bouncing off the walls and floating through the thick air around me. Less than forty-eight hours ago, Emma was crying to her mom about having fallen in love with me. She couldn’t have given away our secret to Kyle… or had she, in a moment of weakness and despair? And what did he want out of this? Did he want her back? Did she want him? No. She couldn’t possibly…

Thinking back to all the times Emma was there for me, I knew I had to give her the benefit of the doubt now. Staring at the blank note on my laptop screen, I was aware of the risk I was taking. But then again, wasn’t it the perfect accessory to the scheme Emma, and I had been perfecting so well?

I could think of it as the perfect Valentine’s Day gift, and count my blessings for all the times I had enjoyed with her. If this was the straw that promised to break us, I was willing to take it with my chin up high.

‘Let’s Set Love Aside for Today’

That was the title I chose for my first piece ever written.

If Saint Valentine was here today…

He would tell you that love has become a worn-out word, marketed carefully along with sister concepts like wealth, success, and sound health.

He would tell you that celebrating today is nothing more than a form of ‘Fear Of Missing Out’—FOMO. Couples fear that others would think their love isn’t deep enough. Women worry that their friends might think they’re lonely. Men are concerned about their reputation in terms of their ability to be ‘the man of someone’s dreams.’

He would beg you to stop the pretenses, take a step back, and examine the way you use the word ‘love.’

Or at least, that’s what I would like him to tell you.

That’s because I’ve experienced something much more profound than everything I was taught about good old-fashioned love, to the point where I have decided to refrain from labeling it that way. What I have is far too grand for love.

What would I label it, you ask?

Well, for me personally, I would call it ‘Emma’.

Emma is loyal, intelligent, and oh, so beautiful.

Emma is understanding, aware of our flaws as people, and the frailty it brings along when nobody else is looking.

Emma is fearless, leaping to help someone in need while keeping her needs in check.

Emma is patient, never rushing when it comes to things that beg at her attention.

Emma is supportive, knowing that sometimes people do things she doesn’t understand, with no judgment.

Emma is tender, with hands able to wash away the pain within moments of authentic connection.

Emma is inspiring, a muse for everything that is good and hopeful in a world that is cruel and careless.

And above all, Emma has a heart of gold. She feels so deeply, so genuinely, and so very exquisitely that she touches the hearts of others with no effort at all.

Emma is the music inspiring both our bodies to shed the essence of themselves to come into one another in sweet unison.

Emma has eyes that carry comfort in the midst of a dark, dangerous world.

Emma is the woman I can live with whilst fearing nothing.

Emma is my precious wife, and I know that if I had searched the world, sifting through its eight billion souls, I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else by my side on this harsh and daunting journey we call life. And I would rather say her name, over and over again, than utter meaningless words of affection and devotion that have been used and abused to death.

And speaking of death… it’s till death do us part, my wife.

If Saint Valentine was here, Emma, he would leave behind all the so-called lovers and their tired stories, and would come to you carrying all the fields of roses his shoulders could possibly carry. He would lay them outside your balcony, and sit there praying, waiting for you to bless their blossoming petals until eternity proves unworthy of your beautiful soul.

And if I find it too little, too shallow, too limiting… do I still need to use that word like everyone else today?

I’ll be waiting for your answer tonight, when we’re alone in our home, sitting by the fire, sharing our most intimate moments.

Forever, if you’ll allow me…

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