Page 34 of King of Guilt

“At three, you’re meeting Doug Delfino at Sykes. He wants to discuss the Tokyo deal, so I’m emailing you the brief as a refresher.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“And then at six, there’s the art exhibition, Hannah Kasch? You agreed to make an appearance for—”

“Her dad’s sake. Yes, I remember.”

“Well, since we sponsored a quarter of it, you won’t have to stay long. I’d say half-an-hour, an hour max and you can slip out.”

“Me? You’re coming, aren’t you?”

“Uh—Sure.” She glanced up at me and quickly nodded, not giving me a chance to see her eyes.

Her nonchalance only reflected my anger with myself.

I should have asked her to take her winnings and leave the day my mother died, and that was on me.

My resentment remained, lingering in the background, tainting my disposition so I could barely look her in the eyes for the rest of the day. It was good that our ample social commitments were filled with people, vacant smiles, and empty conversation.

When we finally made it to the last stop on the agenda—Hannah Kasch’s pseudo-artistic exhibition—I was almost done with the day and everything it had to offer. In between listening to Hannah pretend to give meaning to her blotch of color on the white wall, and her father’s exaggerated pride, I felt the phone vibrate in my pocket.

With Chadwick’s initiation, he, Abel and Nathan were proposing an impromptu guys’ night at nine o’clock. It was suggested on the sidelines of a celebrity party that Chadwick had planned and soon regretted. Welcoming anything that would have taken me away from Emma and my conflicting deliberations about us, I didn’t hesitate to accept the invitation.

Was I making a victim out of the poor woman? Or was she making a victim out of me?

Was I falling in love with her?

I wished I could turn off my thoughts if only for a little while. That was why when I arrived at Chad’s house at nine-thirty, I was adamant on giving him the satisfaction of getting me drunk.

As always, Chad’s guests were celebrities and models, having the time of their lives around his pool and behind closed doors. Rivers of liquor flowed while everyone did their own thing. However, as soon as I arrived, Nathan and Abel ushered me toward a quieter corner under a pergola in the pool garden. We had our own set of drinks, and Chad even brought some more recreational options that Nathan seemed to appreciate.

Knowing that my friends had the best of intentions at heart, I tried to acclimate to the general mood. After downing two tequila shots in a row, I started snacking on some gourmet popcorn while the guys started discussing the latest sports game.

Despite my best efforts, however, I failed to engage. That was when I realized that Abel’s gaze kept returning to me in between sentences. When a lull occurred, I jumped at the opportunity and addressed him, the alcohol finally starting to keep my inhibitions at bay. “Say, I know this has been studied to death, but… how do we know that the feelings we’re feeling are real?”

Chewing on some nuts, Chad stared at me with narrowed eyes. Nathan was starting to enjoy a cannabis vape, while Abel sat back with his classic glass of whiskey. He turned to the other two, who smirked and shook their heads with some meaning. Abel then turned to me, leaning forward while cradling his glass with both hands. “Dean, did you rush into marrying Emma because you knew Pearl didn’t have much time?”

Ah. That little detail. I didn’t expect it to come back to bite me in the ass so soon. Chuckling, I reached for my third shot glass, shaking my head. “That’s ridiculous. Emma and I go back—”

“At work,” Nathan interrupted me.

“You can’t work so closely with someone and not know them well,” I defended before throwing back the shot, squeezing my eyes shut as it burned my throat. “Emma’s a fantastic woman.”

“Then what feelings are we talking about here?” Chad inquired. “Is there someone else?”

“Jesus, Chad!” My eyebrows met in a wrinkle. “Of course not!”

He chortled, throwing a hand in the air. “Calm down. It’s not unheard of.”

“It is for me!”

“Listen, man.” Seeming excited about his own opinion, Chad pulled a leg up, bending it under him as he pointed at me with a cashew. “You’ve been through a whole lot. I mean, it’s common knowledge that some of the hardest changes a person can go through include moving… losing a loved one… and getting married, right? You had two out of three on the same weekend! So, give yourself a break. And vent… we’re here to listen.” Smiling, he leaned forward and picked up the tequila bottle. “One more shot?”

Abel quickly raised a hand. “Easy, easy. Slow down. He doesn’t need to get shitfaced just yet. Give it a minute.”

“Look…” I raised both hands as if to explain. “I’m talking in abstract terms, right? I mean… look at all the failed relationships we’ve all collectively had.” I then turned to Abel. “You, of all people? You can’t possibly claim that you expected to fall in love with an accountant, right? But clearly, Ella Rose is the one. You know what I mean?” I paused, reaching for the bottle and pouring myself a shot. “No unnecessary glorification… no—”

“Yes,” he sternly said. “And none of us thought you’d fall for your assistant. As cliché as it sounds, that wasn’t even the issue. The thing is, none of us saw you together that way. You never mentioned it. You never behaved like you were together. If you ask me, we all thought you kept to yourself with that whole ‘mysterious guy’ thing. But really, that was well played. You blew everyone’s minds.”

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