Page 47 of Rough

“Whatever you want to make is fine,” I interjected.

He placed the carton of eggs down on the counter. His jaw visibly tightened. He was wearing down. At this point, it was a game that I was playing with myself. I actually wanted to see how far I could push him to the edge before he snapped. I couldn’t explain why I was like this. I shouldn’t try to sabotage a good thing, but that was just the destructive side of me shining through.

I had serious issues, and I would be the first to admit that. Trying to pull him directly into the abyss with me seemed easier than admitting to him out loud—or to myself for that matter—that I needed him now more than fucking ever.

“I’m just trying to help,” Felix said defensively. “I want to get your mind off the things that are stressing you out.”

“I’m fine,” I lied and stared at the counter.

I had sat down at the counter and was watching him diligently prepare a feast for us that I wasn’t sure I was hungry enough to eat in the first place.

Sometimes, it felt like it was easier to just shut down all my emotions before they got a chance to carry me away to another dismal place inside my head. The outcome was already bleak enough. I hated feeling melancholy, but the company of Felix was comforting.

Whenever I felt frustrated about something, I felt disconnected from my body. It was as if my mind and my soul were somewhere else, far away from my physical being. I didn’t know how to reattach myself to… myself.

I wondered if I had situational depression. The words were on the tip of my tongue, ready to slip out, but I forced myself to stay silent.

“You have options at your disposal if you want to use them,” Felix said.

I couldn’t look at him directly. I was afraid of what might happen if I did and saw that pitying stare of his again.

“Don’t start again Felix,” I said, rubbing my temples.

“Nelson can’t be brought to justice if everyone stands idly by and lets him get away with everything,” Felix said.

He just didn’t know when to let things go.

I lifted my gaze and stared at him for so long that the image of his face began to blur and morph into one solid shape.

“Mind your own business, please,” I advised.

“Excuse me?” Felix fixed his gaze on me with a look of pure shock.

I abruptly stood up, nearly toppling my barstool over in the process.

“Just stay out of my life, okay?” I regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth, spewing like hot lava.

I was being too harsh with him, but I was like a freight train, an unstoppable force, and the damage was done.

The truth was, I was feeling trapped and worried. I was angry as hell about being subtly threatened day after day. Nelson had been making my life miserable for quite some time. I needed to do something about it, but I didn’t want to hear it from other people.

“Maybe you should lie down and rest for a while.” Felix’s expression was marked with concern. I couldn’t believe it. Despite my atrocious behavior, his intentions were too pure to give up on me.

“I don’t need to lie down,” I argued. “I can’t let the bully win, I know that. Just let me think.”

“I’m worried about you,” Felix said. His tone was sincere, but it still didn’t calm me down to hear it.

“You say I need to do something about Nelson,” I said. “So? What are your ideas? Let’s hear them?”

“I don’t—” Felix shook his head and stammered, appearing to be caught off guard by my questions.

“Are you a coward? Do you think that I should just bend over and let Nelson fuck me over?” I took a step forward, but Felix instinctively pulled back. “Do you think I should just let him take away the business that I worked so hard to build on my own, right out from under me?”

He stopped working on breakfast. There were cracked eggs in a bowl and a carton of milk on the counter. There was an open container of bread, just waiting to be placed in the toaster. None of it happened. It was like freezing time to look at it. The damage was already done. There would be no breakfast, and possibly no more Felix either, after the way I was behaving.

“I’m not a coward,” Felix declared defensively. His eyes flickered with wounded pride.

He breezed past me in a hurry. It had been the last straw for him.

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