Page 94 of Staying Selfless

“I do. I think? I don’t know,” she quickly brushes me off.

“Well, is that really so bad? That you may have met your person so young?”

Ali hesitates for a moment, most likely treading cautiously, knowing that I’ve met mine at her same age.

She lets out a heavy sigh. “Don’t get me wrong, I think you and Maddison are so right for each other it’s almost ridiculous, but doesn’t that scare you to think this could be it already?”

I ponder her question for a moment, never once asking myself this before.

“No,” I confidently state. “That doesn’t scare me one bit.”

“Really? It’s me you’re talking to. You can be honest.”

“I am.”

“So, there’s no part of you that feels like you need time alone to really get to know yourself?”

Cocking my head to the side, I furrow my brows. “No, Al. I don’t. What I have with Eli is what people sometimes wait their entire lives to find. And being in a relationship doesn’t take away from me being me. If anything, I feel more myself because we’re together. A healthy relationship encourages you to be the best version of yourself.”

Ali nods, still seeming unconvinced.

“Do you not feel like yourself when you’re with Marc?”

“No! Yes!” she quickly interjects. “I do. I mean, I think I do. He’s never tried to change anything about me, but sometimes I feel like I don’t even know myself yet to be able to answer that question.”

“Why do you keep saying that?”

Ali buries her head in her hands. “It’s nothing. It’s a long story that maybe I’ll feel like spilling one day, but just not today.”

“Okay, part of me doesn’t want to know, but you’re my girl, so I’m going to pretend like the person we are talking about isn’t my best friend. But...” I hesitate. “Is the sex not good? Is that the problem?” I awkwardly ask, cringing on the inside as I do.

Ali’s eyes widen. “Oh, trust me. That is not the problem. Why do you think I haven’t tried to hook up with anyone else since we started sleeping together? It’s good.” Her eyes are wide and impressed. “Really good.”

I hold up my hands in defense. “Okay, I get it.”

“Can I tell you something that you’re going to absolutely hate hearing about?”

“Of course.”

“Remember when I had told you that I had never slept with someone that I had any real feeling towards?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, as you know, I may have recently developed some feelings,” she slowly says, making me laugh at how uncomfortable she is talking about said feelings. “No one else had ever gotten me off until Marc and I slept together.” She quickly covers her mouth with her hands as if she said something terrible.

“What? Like at all? Not even from other things? Not even from them going down on you?” I’m finding myself exceptionally thankful to have this entire Nordstrom fitting room to ourselves.

Ali shakes her head to tell me no. “I would usually just go home and finish it myself, but with Marc, I’m taken care of every time.”

“Then why the hell do you want to experience other people when he’s the best you’ve ever had?” I ask in confusion. “Not to mention that Marc is literally the greatest guy.”

“I don’t necessarily want to experience other people, Logan. I know I used to, but I don’t anymore. At least, I don’t think I do.” Ali drops her head into her hands before looking up to me with desperate eyes. “I just want to be able make my own decisions and find my own path. I’ve never been able to do that until now, and I won’t be able to do that in a relationship.”

“You think Marc won’t let you make your own decisions?” Clearly, I’m lost here.

“That’s what happens isn’t it?”

I give her a sympathetic smile, noting the frustration she has with herself. “No, Al. That’s not what happens. Not in the right relationship.”

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