Page 74 of Staying Selfless

Knowing that Logan doesn’t want her own kids, I didn’t expect her to want to hold someone else’s. It’s not that I thought she didn’t like babies, but honestly, I wasn’t sure how she felt about them in general. But right now, she seems stoked.

“Are you sure?” Stacey asks. “He can be kind of a handful when you’re trying to eat.”

“I can multitask.” Logan wears a confident smile.

She slides her hands between the baby and my arms, carefully cradling him as she pulls him into her embrace. There’s a sweet, contented grin on her face as she brings her lips to his head, placing a kiss there. Her bright green eyes stay locked on Seth as she tucks him into her arm, bouncing slightly on her toes as she walks to her seat.

I don’t know how many babies she’s held in her life, but Logan seems plenty capable and confident as she takes a seat with Seth in her arms, perfectly positioning him in one hand, leaving the other free to eat with. She brings one leg up and tucks it under the other as she rests her arm and a sleeping Seth on it.

She’s a total natural. Holding a baby seems like it’s second nature to her.

“You look like a natural,” Trev notes, speaking aloud my unspoken thoughts.

“I love babies.” Logan keeps her eyes locked on a sleeping Seth.

I’m so fucking confused right now. If Logan loves babies this much and she’s obviously great with them, then why the hell doesn’t she want her own?

Trev and Stacey pass around the salad, mashed potatoes, and grilled chicken. Every time I put some on my plate, I do the same for Ian and Logan.

As the table digs into the dinner in front of us, I can’t help but keep my stare on my girl. She looks so fucking perfect right now, casually eating with one hand and holding Seth with the other like it’s nothing out of the ordinary for her. She converses with my friends as more daydreams flood my mind.

They’re the same as they were this afternoon—how great of a mom to our kids she would be.

Of course, while we were skating around with Ian, the thoughts I was having were about how she would be the greatest hockey mom, but still, same thing. I swear, ever since she told me that she doesn’t want to have kids, the more I think about what it would be like to have a family with her.

And just as it did earlier, my heart sinks, remembering that Logan will never be the mother of my children. And therefore, I’ll never be a dad.

“How are you feeling since Showcase?” Trev pulls me out of my thoughts.

“Good. Really good.”

“No anxious thoughts?”.

This might be a weird dinner conversation with anyone else, but Trev was one of the first people I opened up to about my anxiety and the pressure I felt to be the person everyone assumed me to be on campus. So, him checking in on my mental state is nothing out of the ordinary for us and fully appreciated on my end.

“Surprisingly, no,” I tell him. “I don’t know if it’s because I feel a little bit more security after meeting with a few teams or because I know I have another month until I really need to start stressing about whether I’m getting calls or not, but I’ve been feeling good lately.”

I look up across the table at Logan, her mouth is full, but a proud beaming smile plays across her closed lips.

“That’s awesome, man,” Trev says. “You know we’re stoked for whatever path you end up taking.”

“You gonna come watch me if I start playing for a new team?” I turn my attention back to my favorite five-year-old.

“You...you...gonna be there?” he asks Logan instead of answering me, as his little pale cheeks go pink.

Logan looks from Ian back to me as my mouth fully gapes. I don’t know if I’m more shocked or impressed that he continues to blatantly hit on my girl in front of me.

“You’re killing me, little man.”

“Learned from the best,” Trev chimes in.

“Yes.” Logan laughs. “Wherever Eli is playing, I’ll be at as many games as I can.” She looks up, giving me her sweetest smile, causing me to melt as she always does.

I seriously fucking love this girl.

“What color?” Ian asks.

“What color will my jersey be? I’m not sure. It might be green.”

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