Page 71 of Staying Selfless

Eli looks back at me with a bit of confusion on his face.

“We are going to go to their place for dinner,” I explain. “So you can see Stacey and meet Seth.”

His smile is soft yet grateful, and I can see how excited he is without him even saying the words.

When I was thinking about what to get Eli for his birthday, there was really nothing that could measure up to what he deserves. I know that letter from my mom means a lot to him, but I wanted to get him a real gift. Something physical. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he doesn’t give a shit about tangible things. The thing he cares about the most in life is family, and even though this is not his immediate one, I know how much this family means to him, too.

“Ian, do you like being a big brother?”

“Yeah.” He giggles, covering his mouth because he can’t seem to stop. “He...he little.”

“Littler than you?” Eli asks with surprised eyes and faux shock as Trev continues to tie up Ian’s laces.

“I...I...I big now.” Ian points at his chest.

“Oh? You may have gotten bigger, but have you gotten faster?” Eli playfully asks once Trev has finished with Ian’s skates.

Eli hands me his coffee to hold as he skates backward away from Ian, badgering him. Ian hops onto the ice and takes off like a rocket towards my boyfriend, trying to catch him. I take a seat next to Trev on the bench as I watch Ian chase Eli around the frozen pond, until eventually, my guy slows down, pretending he’s not all that quick and boosting Ian’s little ego.

“Thank you for inviting us,” Trev says sincerely.

“Thank you for coming. He’s seriously stoked right now.” I nod towards favorite guy as he skates around with a giant smile plastered on his face.

“Your boy or mine?”

“Both.” I watch with a smile, noting how excited Ian is right now skating around with U of M’s star forward and thinking he’s faster than him.

“How did Senior Showcase go for him?”

“Really good. Eli had quite a few meetings. Things are looking promising.”

“Good. He deserves it.”

He really does. If anyone deserves to have all their dreams come true, it’s Eli. He has become such a good man with such a big heart.

I guess he always has been, but he doesn’t choose to hide it anymore. I remember the stories that Marc had told me about his brother when we were living in Spain. That Eli was an awesome brother, but no one else got to see the good side to him.

But here I am watching the guy who was once considered heartless at times and knowing he’s the other half of mine.

“He’s going to make a really good dad one day.” Trev’s words cause my attention to snap back towards him. I follow his gaze, watching Eli take Ian’s tiny hand in his as they skate around the pond together.

Trev’s statement strikes a nerve. There’s no question in my mind that Eli would be a great dad, a fantastic one, really. But that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want kids, making this a potentially massive issue for our future together. I’ve had the internal conflict ever since the last time I saw Eli and Ian together, the day we left for Thanksgiving break. It was so apparent how great Eli is with kids, and it was just another reminder that having children is something I don’t see in my future anymore.

If you would’ve asked me five years ago, there was no question in my mind that I wanted to be a mom. I had such a great relationship with my mother that I was excited to share that same bond with my own kids one day. But after everything I’ve gone through with my parents, I’ve had a real fear of ever putting a burden on my children the way it was put on me. Not to mention, the last person I was responsible for was my mother, and I just don’t know if I’ll ever be in the right mindset to take responsibility for someone else again.

“Yeah, he would be,” I finally say in response to Trev.

Eli wraps his arms around Ian from behind, lifting him, so Ian’s blades are just barely grazing the ice. He takes off with his speed, causing the wind to blow Ian’s hair and creating the biggest smile on that kid’s face as they fly across the pond.

“Babe!” Eli calls out with bright eyes. “You gonna come skate with us or what?”

“I guess that’s my cue.” I place our coffees on the bench, standing just as the two of them skate over to the edge of the pond.

Little Ian holds out his tiny hand for mine.

“Hell no,” my boyfriend quickly interjects, as he also holds out his hand. “She’s holding my hand.”

“No. Mi...mi...mine,” Ian argues, still holding his hand outstretched towards me.

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