Page 49 of Staying Selfless

“I’ve actually had more stress and concern over...” Eli whispers as I feel one of his hands leave my back, most likely pointing towards me. “So that’s what we’ve discussed. Just managing my anxiety over things I don’t have control over and taking charge of the things I do. I’ve never been in her position, so I don’t know what she feels like, and I can’t control if or when she will be okay. I just hope I’m doing a good enough job of being there for her when she needs it.”

My heart instantly swells in my chest as I listen to Eli’s words. Most people might not realize it from Eli’s outward appearance, being this tough hockey player, but he’s the most thoughtful and caring person I’ve ever met.

“I think she’s going to be okay. She seemed more and more like herself all week,” Marc encourages. “And in my opinion, I think you’re doing a really good job.”

I want to chime in and tell Marc that he’s wrong. Eli is doing the best job, but I don’t want to ruin their brotherly moment, so I stay quiet with my eyes closed, laying on my boyfriend’s chest.

“Thanks, man.” Eli gently runs his hand up and down the length of my back. “I’m trying.”

Chapter 16

Logan

“What the hell are you doing?” Eli laughs from my doorway on Saturday morning.

My head snaps in his direction, seeing my favorite man, who’s been on the road far too much this month.

He walks over to my bed, where I’m standing on the mattress, as I scratch another state off the map that’s hanging over my headboard.

“I hadn’t scratched off Illinois yet,” I explain before making my way to Eli as he stands at the side of my bed, waiting for me.

I drape my arms over his shoulders before wrapping both of my legs around his waist. He cups my ass, carrying me, as he turns around to take a seat on my mattress with me straddling him.

“Hi.” He smiles, pressing his mouth to mine.

“Hi, birthday boy.”

“Not until tomorrow.”

“Well, you deserve to be celebrated all weekend at the very least.”

“You look good.” Eli’s eyes wander over my face.

“I feel good.”

And it’s true. I feel the best I have in a long time. The grief I once felt is now a manageable sadness and nostalgia of missing my mom. I don’t feel dark and lost the way I did six weeks ago. There’s still a sense of heaviness on my chest, but I’m hopeful that I can start turning my once hopeless feelings of despair into joyful memories of my past.

I feel strong and bright. Two words I didn’t think would ever describe me again.

“So, Illinois, huh?” Eli nods towards my map. “What number is that?”

“Eight,” I tell him, referring to the number of states I’ve visited.

“When are we going to hit the other forty-two?”

“You tell me,” I request playfully, intertwining my fingers into his shaggy hair.

Eli smiles at my words. “I’ll take you to all of them,” he softly says. “Where are we going first?”

“Texas.” There’s no hesitation in my answer, which causes Eli’s lips to tug upward, because the first place I want to see is his possible new hockey home.

“Besides Dallas, where are we going?”

I glance up at my map seeing all the states I’ve yet to visit. “Maybe Washington State. Or Montana. Or New York to meet Ali’s sisters.”

“Would you ever take me to California?”

“You’d want to go there?”

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