Page 43 of Staying Selfless

“What’s on your mind?” My question is full of caution as I sit up in my bed, holding my phone close to my ear as I wait for Logan’s answer.

She delays for quite some time. The only thing I can hear is her deep breathing on the other end as I wait for her response.

“Eli, do you think I made the right decision?”

She doesn’t need to elaborate because I already know what she’s referring to. The first time she mentioned her mom to me, Logan told me that she battled every day with her decision to stop her mom’s medications and let her go. I somehow know that’s what she’s referring to right now.

I take a moment to compose myself. Logan has never once asked for my opinion or opened up to me in any way, shape, or form about her mom, and now that I have an opportunity, I don’t want to fuck it up and say the wrong thing.

Before I can respond, she continues.

“I think that’s the one thing holding me back right now. It’s like I’ve come to terms with her not being here anymore, but I can’t get past the fact that I held the responsibility, and that was the decision I chose. I just wish I knew for sure that I made the right choice. I feel like I could move on if I knew.”

“Logan,” I begin. “I know you made the right choice. I know you did because I know you. You’re never rash. You’re thorough and thoughtful. And you’re responsible. Whether you realize it or not, you made that decision because you loved her. She was suffering, and you took that away for her.”

I hear slight sniffling on the other end, and I’m sure Logan is crying right now, even though she’s trying to hide it. She doesn’t respond, so I decide to continue and just hope I’m saying the right things.

“I know I didn’t know her, but I can guarantee the last thing she’d want is for you to feel any guilt about that decision.”

“You’re right.” Her voice breaks. “I just wish she’d been in her clear mind towards the end so that she could’ve told me I was doing the right thing.”

“Me too, Logan. But you did. You just have to trust yourself.”

“I’m sorry I’m like this right now. I just really miss her, is all.”

Logan has never spoken this much about her mom, and part of me wants to push my luck and see if I can get her to keep opening up. And it’s not even on a selfish level because I want to know about the woman who raised her, but more so because I think it’ll be healing for Logan to voice some of her feelings.

“What do you miss the most about her?” I ask with faux confidence, internally freaking out that I’m going to push her too far.

Logan goes silent, and I don’t know if it’s because she’s thinking or because she’s upset.

“Everything,” she finally admits.

My eyes close at her tone. I can hear the sadness in her voice. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked.

“I really miss her friendship, though,” she adds. “And her advice. She gave the best advice. She had such an understanding outlook on things. Like she could see everyone’s point of view. And she was sweet. The kindest person I’ve ever known.”

“That sounds like you, baby.”

“No. She was nicer than me. She didn’t have a bad bone in her body. She was so stubborn, though. I will say that.”

“Oh, so that’s where you got it from,” I tease.

“I guess so,” she laughs. “She was great. It’s hard to explain everything that made her who she was, but she was great.”

“You’re named after her, right? Your middle name is for her?”

“Yes. Her full name was Josephine.”

The first thought that pops into my head makes me smile nostalgically from ear to ear.

“We are both named after our moms.”

“I know,” Logan confirms, and I can hear the smile in her tone. “I put that together the night you told me your mom’s name, but I wasn’t ready to talk about mine yet.”

I stay silent, allowing Logan to decide if she wants to keep talking about this.

“Eli?”

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