Page 39 of Staying Selfless

I reach up, interlocking my fingers with Eli’s hand that’s draped over my shoulder. “Do you think we will be okay?”

“No,” Eli says. “I don’t think we will. I know we will. You know why?”

“Hmm?” I tilt my head, looking directly into his brown eyes.

“Because at the end of the day, you’re my best friend. And I love you more than anyone has ever loved another person before. We have forever, so spending a little time making ourselves better is nothing compared to the rest of our lives.”

With that beautiful confession, I can’t help myself but lean up in the space between us and press my needy mouth to his. His lips mold perfectly to mine, just as they always do because he was made for me. His body was made for my body, and his heart was made for my heart. They’re one and the same.

“So, when you finally see yourself again the way I see you, you let me know, and we’ll get back to us. And I’ll get back to being my typical needy and clingy self,” Eli adds with self-awareness. “And while you’re working on you, I’ll be working on me too. I have a therapy session this week.”

“What?” I pause. “What made you decide to try therapy again?”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m stoked that Eli wants to give therapy another shot. I’m just shocked that he’s willing to be that open to another person after being so adamant about it not working for him in the past.

“A buddy of mine mentioned it. He gave me the name of a doctor who does over-the-phone sessions and specializes in performance anxiety.”

I can’t let that one slide without giving him a suggestive glance.

“Not that kind of performance anxiety,” he laughs. “We both know I have no problem in that department,” he adds with a wiggle of his brows. “But this guy has a lot of clients that are male athletes, and I like that. It makes me feel less alone.”

“You’re not alone, Eli. A lot of people struggle with anxiety.”

“I think I’m starting to realize that. I just want to learn how to start controlling where my mind wanders. I’m pretty sick of it getting the best of me, and I don’t want to be a burden to you.”

“Eli, you’re not a burden to me. Not in the slightest, but I think this is great for you. I’m proud of you for putting yourself out there.”

“Thanks, baby,” he says, kissing me, and smiling into my mouth. “Look at us with the self-growth and shit.”

“Self-growth and shit,” I repeat with a laugh. “I still can’t believe you used the word ‘space.’”

“Okay, space was clearly the wrong word. I just want you to feel like yourself again. But you’re still mine, and I’m still yours,” he hastily adds. “We are still together. Nothing changes with that. I’m just not going to push you. I’m going to let you push yourself. This is just to get you to feel like yourself again and for us to work on our communication. We’re going to need it if I move to Dallas.”

Once again, I nod in agreement.

“But if you could start feeling like yourself again by my birthday, that’d be great. Birthday sex would be hugely appreciated,” he adds with a devilish little grin.

My eyes widen. “We aren’t going to have sex until I feel like myself again?”

He shrugs. “Trust me, I want to. But sex has always been more than just sex with us, and I don’t want to ignore the fact that you’re struggling and not feeling like yourself. When we’re together in that way, things are perfect, but everything isn’t perfect right now, and that’s okay. I just don’t want us to use what we have in bed as a way to fix things or ignore everything else if that makes sense.”

“When did you get so mature?”

Eli lets out a little laugh. “Spending too much time with you, I guess.”

“Well, if that’s not some motivation for self-improvement, I don’t know what is.”

I look up at my boyfriend’s face, my eyes darting right to his mouth. Of course, now that he told me no, all I want to do is jump his bones.

“Can I still kiss you?”

“Of course.”

I place my wanting lips on his before peppering them across his jaw, tenderly kissing his warm skin. “Can I do this?” I ask in a suggestive tone before wrapping my lips around his ear, giving it a gentle tug with my teeth.

Eli swallows hard before nodding his head in agreement.

I swing my leg over his lap, straddling him as I wrap my hands over his shoulders, gliding my fingertips up into his shaggy hair and kissing his neck. I ask again, “Can I do this?”

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