Page 37 of Staying Selfless

Eli quickly shakes his head and furrows his brow. “You shouldn’t stress over it, Logan. That week was a one-off for you. You’re so fucking smart. You’ll be fine.”

Once again, my mouth is full, so I give him an appreciative smile in return.

“Enough about me,” I tell him once I finish chewing, my voice dripping with excitement. “We need to talk about you. How were your meetings? Tell me everything.”

Eli gives me a skeptical glance, eyeing me for a moment.

“What?”

“Are you sure you want to talk about them?” he asks with caution. “You have a lot going on right now. Are you sure you want to add the conversation of me possibly leaving into the mix? I know it’s a touchy subject for us.”

I drop my shoulders. “Yes, I want to talk about it. Even though this is a tough subject, it’s our reality. We need to start thinking about these things and figure out a game plan for us. This is huge for you. I need a little happiness in my life, and nothing brings me more joy than seeing you fulfill your dreams.”

Eli pauses mid-chew as he takes in my words, seeming to be taken aback. He leans across the space between us once again. “I fucking love you. You know that?” He presses his smiling mouth to mine.

“So, who were your meetings with?”

“Dallas, Montreal, Anaheim, Tampa, Vancouver, and Philly,” he rattles off his potential new homes.

“Tell me about them.” I grab another slice. “You start talking. I’ll keep eating.”

“Well, they were all really positive meetings. A few of the teams I met with are looking to build their roster for playoffs, and some are looking for next season. I still think my number one choice, if I have one, is Dallas. I like their system, and they don’t have too many superstars. I feel like I could make an impact there, eventually. Montreal, Anaheim, and Philly are cool, but they aren’t going to the playoffs this year, which means I would have to wait and just hope they pull me up next season.”

“Okay, explain it to me as if I were a child. How does this all work?”

“This late in the season, the only teams that are going to be adding players to their roster are playoff-bound teams. So, if I want to get called up this season, which I do, it needs to be from a team with a playoff spot,” he explains.

“And you’ll sign a contract with them?”

“Yes and no. I’ll sign a contract to play for the rest of the season, but it’s still somewhat of an extended try-out. If I were to play well, I’d expect they’d offer a longer-term contract after the season ends.”

“And when would that happen? You getting called up for playoffs.”

“Technically anytime,” he says. “But realistically, if it’s going to happen, it would be sometime around the end of February to the beginning of March. Teams are most likely going to wait until the trade deadline to see where their budget sits. At least, that’s what Dallas is going to do.”

“So, two months,” I repeat, speaking aloud my internal dialogue. “Or less.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“I’m so excited for you. And proud of you. This is everything you’ve ever wanted.”

“Okay, but I asked how it made you feel,” he states again. “Take my feelings out of it. How does it make you feel?”

I pause for a moment, gathering my thoughts. Part of me doesn’t want to say the wrong thing because I genuinely am so excited for him. I want him to succeed more than anything, but that doesn’t change the fact that it makes me sad on a selfish level.

“I’m scared,” I tell him honestly.

“Of what?” Eli gently asks, reaching across the space between us to interlock his fingers with mine.

“To be away from you. If there’s one thing that I learned over those three weeks when I was in California, it’s that I need you. I’ve never felt more dependent on someone else in my life, and it makes me nervous that you could be living halfway across the country.”

Eli inhales a deep breath. “I’m glad you finally admit it. It makes me feel less insane that I feel the exact same way about you.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do, Logan. I can barely sleep without you, and we both know I can hardly breathe without you. So, the thought of you staying in Minnesota if I move away scares the shit out of me.”

“What are we going to do?” My head falls back to the mattress behind me with a heavy sigh.

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