Page 28 of Staying Selfless

“You don’t have a girlfriend?” I turn to Zanders. “I figured chicks would be throwing themselves at Ohio State’s most obnoxious playboy.”

“Oh, they do,” he quickly agrees. “I just like to share the wealth. You see, I’m not selfish like you. Everyone gets a turn.”

“Jesus. You’re that easy, huh?”

“It is my nickname, after all. EZ stands for more than just my initials.”

“Fuck. That’s good,” I laugh, unable to hold back my amusement.

We both go back to watching the game in silence, but when another player tries to walk between us to head into the tunnel, Zanders steps closer to me while crossing his arms and forcing the guy to walk around.

The dude seems a little frightened, not that I blame him. Zanders is even taller than I am, coming in at 6’5”, and the two of us look like a brick wall standing next to each other.

“You’re such a dick.” But Zanders just shrugs it off.

“I heard you last night, by the way.” Zanders’ voice is quiet as he changes the subject.

“Huh?” I keep my attention on the game in front of me.

“In the bathroom,” he explains. “I heard you.”

I snap my head around to look at him, knowing exactly what he’s referring to. This is the last thing I needed to happen this weekend. I didn’t want anyone to find out about my panic attacks, let alone my life-long rival.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He rolls his eyes at my blatant fib. “I get them too,” he whispers. “Panic attacks. I get them too.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Not as much as I used to, but they’re the worst. Right? Sometimes when they hit, I don’t even know where I am. It’s like they take over all my senses. And afterward...” his body shivers at the thought. “Fuck. I get so sore. It’s like every muscle in my body was firing at once.”

To say I’m shocked right now would be an understatement. I’ve never met someone who experiences these the way I do, probably because I’ve never told anyone about them besides my family and Logan.

“How do you deal with them?” I ask with genuine curiosity.

“I have some techniques I learned from my therapist. Grounding techniques, that kind of stuff.”

“You go to therapy?”

“Yeah.” He furrows his brows in confusion. “You don’t?”

“I tried, but they all fucking sucked.”

Zanders lets out a knowing chuckle. “It took me a while to find my guy. You’ve kind of gotta shop around until you find the right fit.” After another moment of silence, he asks, “How do you deal with them?”

“I just try to get through them. I don’t know. Logan’s helped a lot.” I nod towards my girl. “But they’ve been bad lately.”

“Logan? That’s your girl’s name? Well, that’s kind of a lot to put on her, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, I know.” Guilt floods me. “I’m trying not to add more onto her plate right now, which is why you heard me gasping for air by myself while in the bathroom last night.”

“Well, you should give therapy another shot,” Zanders quickly suggests. “It’s really helped me. I know there’s a weird stigma around masculinity and mental health or whatever, but I wear that shit like a badge of honor.”

I give him a sideways glance, and not because what he said was ridiculous, but because I’m thoroughly impressed by the guy standing next to me. And for the first time ever, I feel some relatability when it comes to my mental health struggles.

“What?” Zanders asks with caution.

“Nothing. You’re just nothing like the guy I pictured you to be all these years. And I mean that in a good way.”

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