Page 196 of Staying Selfless

“Then, on top of that, Eli is trying to figure out how to get past this, all while starting his career. I’m worried about him.”

“I’m worried about him, too,” Jack admits. “Eli is strong, but this is going to test his resilience, just as grief has tested yours time and time again.”

“Why does this keep happening to me?”

“What do you mean?”

“Losing the people I love. As soon as I love someone, poof, they’re gone. I only got to love the idea of that baby for forty-eight hours before it was gone. The people I love always leave me.” I add the last part in as a whisper, meaning to keep it to myself.

Jack’s lips turn down, clearly feeling upset for me, knowing that this has been a topic of struggle for me since my mom died.

“Well.” He takes a deep breath. “I know of four people in this house who love you a whole lot, that you love just as much. And we aren’t going anywhere. Not to mention my son, who, if you’d let him, would never leave your side again. Sometimes people leave for whatever reason, but then there are those of us who you’re stuck with for life.”

My face softens at Jack’s words. He’s right. I’ve never felt such unwavering love for me since my own parents.

“I have a personal question,” Jack says.

“Oh no. You and I don’t do personal,” I laugh, repeating the exact words he’s used before. “What’s up?”

“I don’t know if this is something you’ve wanted to think about since the accident. But I know at one point you were pretty set in your ways when it came to children. I’m just wondering if things have changed for you or if they’ve reaffirmed your original stance.”

Everyone in this house has walked on eggshells around me, refusing to mention the miscarriage. But I don’t feel hopeless the way other losses have left me. In fact, quite the opposite. And leave it to Jack to ask the questions others are too afraid to ask.

“You mean, did losing that pregnancy put me back in a place where I never want to risk that feeling of loss again?”

Jack nods his head as he sits back on the couch, no sign of discomfort with this conversation.

“Actually, no,” I admit. “Even though the thing I feared the most kind of already happened, I get it now. It’s worth the risk. That feeling I had, that hopeful prospect of the family Eli and I could have one day, has taken away some of the fear that lived inside me. It’s just like you said at Gabe’s wedding. It’s worth loving and losing rather than never having a family to love in the first place.”

Jack’s expression softens before his mouth splits into a grin, completely overtaking his face. “So, what you’re saying is that you’re going to make me a grandpa one day?”

“I hope so. I want to.”

“Proud of you, girl. And your parents would be too.”

“Thank you,” I tell him, feeling like I’m having a conversation with my own dad, the way it always feels when I talk with Jack.

“What do you think they’re going to call me? Grandpa? Gramps?”

“I think ‘Papa’ has a nice ring to it. My dad always joked about his grandkids calling him ‘Papa’ one day. He thought it’d be hilarious to be ‘Papa John.’”

“I never got to meet your dad, but I think we’d be friends,” Jack laughs. “You don’t think he’d mind me taking the title?”

“No, I think he’d be happy for you to have it.”

“Papa Jack,” he says, testing it out. “I love it. Can’t wait for my granddaughters to call me that.”

“Grandsons,” I correct.

“Logan,” Jack begins with a pointed glance. “If Mary doesn’t get at least one granddaughter, I think she might go crazy. Crazier than she already is. So for all our sakes and sanity, we’re going to need a girl.”

Chapter 49

Eli

I’ve dreamt of this day since I was a kid.

Over the years, I’ve thought about how it would feel when my blades touched the ice of a professional hockey rink for the first time.

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