Page 185 of Staying Selfless

Because I am his child, and I need my dad right now.

His arms tighten around my neck as he wipes his face, silently letting me know that he’s crying. I clench my jaw and squeeze my eyes shut, but I can no longer contain the tears as they run down my cheeks.

We must look like quite the sight right now. Two grown-ass men, tall as fuck, holding onto each other and bawling our eyes out. But I don’t give a fuck, because he’s the man who taught me to show my emotions. Who taught me it’s okay to be vulnerable with the people I love.

And he’s hurting too, because the girl he considers to be his daughter just got into a car accident.

After a few silent moments, we release each other as we both wipe at our eyes, cleaning up our faces. I take the collar of my shirt and use it to help dry my tear-stained cheeks.

My dad nudges me over to a bench, where I take a seat next to him, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees, unable to look at him. I’ll start crying all over again if I do.

“What happened?”

I drop my head down, staring at the cold tile floor, unable to answer with words. I simply shake my head to tell him that I can’t talk as my dad snakes his hand over my shoulder and squeezes to let me know he understands.

“I should’ve just texted her back or called her and told her everything over the phone,” I finally say. “She shouldn’t have been driving to that fucking bar.”

“EJ. None of this is your fault, son.”

“Yes, it is!” I yell. “She was driving to Double G to celebrate me. She got hit by a driver who was drinking because of me. She would’ve just waited at the house if I told her I was on my way. If I told her I got called up, she would’ve stayed home.”

“EJ, this isn’t your fault,” my dad reminds me. “The only person whose fault this is, is the other driver.”

I drop my head in defeat, still not entirely convinced.

“I’m scared, dad.”

He wraps his arm around me. “I know you are. She’s strong, though, EJ. You know that. Have you talked to any doctors yet?”

I take a deep breath. “She’s going into surgery now. She has some internal bleeding from the impact of the seatbelt, and there’s swelling around her kidney. I don’t know, Dad. I should’ve asked more questions. I’m not sure what’s happening.”

We stay silent for a moment, the hallway thick with emotion and fear.

“I wish it were me,” I quietly add.

“No, you don’t,” he quickly counters. “Don’t say that.”

“Life has been so fucking hard on her. Now this happens? She needs a goddamn break. I wish it were me in there instead of her.”

“Why?” my dad asks. “So she could be the one out here worried sick about you? Logan will agree with me on this one. You have the more difficult position right now. You have to sit with this fear coursing through you, with this worry on your chest. EJ, if you want the burden, trust me, son, you’ve got it.”

Maybe he’s right. The last thing I want is for Logan to worry about me. She shouldn’t have to worry about anyone else ever again.

I let out a deep exhale, my eyes locked straight ahead. “She’s pregnant.”

“What?”

I nod my head repeatedly, biting down on my lower lip to keep it from trembling. “Logan’s pregnant,” I say again. “Or at least she was. I don’t know anymore.”

I’m once again hit with a wave of overwhelming chaos and worry as I bury my head into my hands, digging the heels of my palms into my eyes, hoping the pressure will keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks.

“You’re going to be a dad?” my own softly asks.

I turn to look at him, the most gentle and proud expression covering his face, his eyes once again brimming with tears.

“I don’t know.” Another cry heaves in my chest.

I don’t know anything. The worst part of all is the unknown. Not knowing if Logan will be okay. Not knowing if we are going to still have this child at the end of the day. Not knowing if I’m losing my entire family at this exact moment.

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