Page 164 of Staying Selfless

I keep my gaze down, locked on the ground, until Marc eventually releases my hands, tugs my chin upward, and forces my eyes to meet his.

He takes a deep swallow, and I can sense the regret forming on his face from the words he’s about to speak. “Logan, do you want this baby?” he asks the one question I’ve avoided asking myself all day.

His eyes bounce back and forth between mine, waiting for my answer.

Do I want this baby?

I don’t know how to answer that. I didn’t think I did. This is the last thing I wanted. But the truth is, I have something forming inside of me that is half of Eli. Half of the man I love, half of my best friend, half of my soul—growing inside of me.

It’s half of my favorite person. How could I not want this baby?

But I realize now that’s not the question I’ve avoided. It’s not whether or not I want this baby. It’s whether or not this baby wants me.

What if I fail them? What if I’m a terrible mother? What if I accidentally take away their innocent years by needing them the way my mom needed me?

Does this baby want me? That’s the question.

And that question is the scariest part of all of this because when I really think about it, yes, I want this baby more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.

“Of course, I do,” I cry, tears falling onto Marc’s hands. “It’s Eli’s baby.”

Marc’s concerned expression instantly shifts to excitement. “EJ’s going to be a dad!”

Those words are the first thing to bring a smile to my face since my doctor’s appointment today. Eli is going to be a dad. And he’s going to be the best dad there is.

“What did he say when you told him?”

My eyes quickly dart to his with guilt.

“You haven’t told him yet? Logan, I can’t know before him!”

“I can’t tell him yet. He has a huge game on Saturday, and he needs to focus. Besides, this isn’t something you can text.” I put my fingers up in air quotes. “Hi, baby. You’re going to be a dad. Okay, good luck in your game!” I add with sarcasm.

Marc gives me an understanding laugh.

“I’ll tell him as soon as I see him. I’m just worried, I guess. I don’t want him to think I’m trapping him or something.”

Marc pauses for a moment before he bursts into laughter, unable to contain it. He has to wipe literal tears from his eyes because he can’t stop laughing as he doubles over.

I stare at my best friend, waiting for him to elaborate on why he finds this so hilarious. Whether or not Eli wanted to be a dad down the road, I doubt he thought about it happening so soon.

“Trap him? Trap him?” Marc laughs. “Logan, I’m surprised EJ didn’t try to hide your birth control pills or something. I’m pretty sure he’s been hoping you’ll somehow get knocked up for months now. If anyone is getting ‘trapped,’ it certainly isn’t my brother.”

“Marc, what am I going to do? I don’t know if I’m ready for this.” I drop my head into my hands again. Even though this conversation has brought the first spot of light into my day, it doesn’t change the fact that my life and Eli’s life are about to change radically.

“What do you mean? If there are any two people that could do this at our age, it would be you and my brother. You’re financially set, and Eli’s about to be. Not to mention that you guys have so much fucking love between the two of you, you almost need a third person in the mix just to soak up some of it up. You guys are going to be the best parents, Logan. The best.”

“I wanted to finish school. I wanted to get my MBA. I wanted to do one thing for myself. I know that sounds selfish as hell, but I’m only twenty-two Marc, and the only thing I’ve done for myself is move out here for school, and now I’m not going to have that either.”

If there’s one person I can voice my honest concerns with, it’s my best friend, so I’m not holding back.

“You are going to finish school,” Marc says as we stay still on the ground, facing each other. “We were going to move in together next year anyway. We can move into the house off-campus, and my parents are here to help. I’ll help. We’re a family. We’ll do this together.”

I quickly shake my head. “No. I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t do that to Eli. I’m not going to stay here while Eli is living in Dallas. That’s not fair to him or this baby. I’m going with him if he gets called up.”

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