Page 122 of Staying Selfless

“Eli, I’m serious. That’s something that worries me. I don’t know what’s worse—putting that responsibility on them if I get sick, or leaving them without a mother altogether if something terrible happened.”

“I’m serious too. Nothing can happen to you. Hypothetical children or not, I need you. So please, stop saying that.”

I stay silent as Eli shakes his head, trying to erase the thought.

“I can’t actually imagine something happening to you without feeling absolutely sick.” He clears his throat. “But for the sake of this conversation, if something did happen, they would have me. They’d have Marc and my parents. It would never be just them, all alone, like it was for you.”

The tears are rolling down my cheeks now as I try to stop them, but it’s no use.

“And they’d have their crazy Aunt Ali,” Eli laughs. “But I’m talking as a very last resort.”

He swings his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into him, his warm lips lingering on top of my head.

“Don’t cry, baby,” he whispers.

“I can’t help it. I feel bad.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t give you what you want.” I lean back and look at him with sad eyes.

I watch as the tiny glimmer of hope fades from his face, all thanks to my words.

“I can’t handle losing someone else, Eli. And adding more people who I love into my life just increases the chances of that happening.”

Eli pulls his arm from me, looking straight ahead towards the night sky with his knees bent and his forearms resting on them.

“That was the scariest part about falling in love with you,” I add. “The thought of you leaving—purposefully or not.”

He turns to me, sadness and sympathy overtaking his face.

“I can’t sit here and pretend to know what that feels like. I’ve never lost someone the way you have, but it also makes me hurt for you that you’re holding yourself back the way you are. Family is everything to me, so I don’t know if I’ll ever understand where you’re coming from.”

I stay silent as Eli takes a long swig from the bottle, his eyes looking a little glossy but not from the booze.

“Do you think you’ll ever change your mind?” he asks.

My heart is racing. I wish I could give him some hope, but I refuse to lie about something this life-altering, so I don’t.

“No,” I tell him. “I don’t think I will.”

Eli’s head instantly drops down between his shoulders. I know he’s upset right now, and I’m upset too. But I’m not upset for me. I’m hurting for him. I don’t want to disappoint him or let him down, but I can’t do it. I can’t be a mother. I can’t take on that kind of responsibility. I don’t want that responsibility. I can’t be what he wants me to be, and I feel guilty as hell that I can’t give him what he wants most in life.

“I’ve never said this out loud before. But I can’t picture myself becoming a parent without my own alive to become grandparents.”

He looks over to me, his sad eyes instantly softening. “Baby.” His volume is no more than a whisper, not having any more words to add as silence once again falls between us.

We sit still in the dead quiet, surrounded by nature, the moon illuminating the space, and both of our hearts broken—mine for him, and his for the children I won’t give him.

“Where do we go from here?” I ask with caution, finally breaking the silence and asking the question I’ve avoided all weekend.

“What do you mean?” Eli’s head snaps towards me.

A few more tears roll down my face. “I need you to be happy, Eli, and I can’t give you what will make you happy.”

“Fuck, Logan. You do make me happy,” he adds with frustration. “Being a dad isn’t going to fulfill me. I only wanted to be a dad if it was to our kids. You fulfill me, Logan. This. Us.” He motions between us. “So don’t ever fucking imply we should break up the way you just did. I don’t want to hear that shit again. Nothing changes for me.”

He wraps both arms around my shoulders, pulling me into him, my face hiding in his chest as I finally take a deep breath, inhaling his scent and feeling his unconditional love surround me.

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