Page 204 of Staying Selfless

“Bitch?” Ali laughs.

“Yeah, giving it a shot.” I knowingly shrug my shoulders. “Seeing how it rolls off the tongue.”

“Well.” She smiles. “I’m going to spend some time working on myself. I’m not going to date or see anyone. I’m just going to focus on myself and figure out who I am. But I missed Marc, and I’m glad we’re okay. Even though I can’t give him more than friendship right now, I’m happy that’s enough for him.”

“I think anything from you would be enough for Marc. He cares about you, Al. A lot.”

“I do too. I haven’t done a good job at letting him know how important he is to me, and that’s something I want to be better at. So, since friendship is all I can give him right now, I’m going to make sure I’m the best fucking friend. Because he deserves it.”

“You are the best friend.”

“No, I said I was the best fucking friend, Logan.”

“My bad,” I laugh. “You’re the best fucking friend. You did spend your entire spring break in Minnesota taking care of me instead of going back to New York.”

“Yeah, well, I wanted to make sure you were okay, and my sister has been a real bitch lately. So, missing out on a trip home was the icing on the cake.”

“Annie or Amanda?”

“Amanda, obviously. Annie is a saint. You know that.”

“I barely know that. You rarely talk about your family, and I’ve only ever seen one picture of your sisters.”

“You know that the three of us look almost exactly alike and that Amanda is the devil and Annie is an angel. That’s the gist.”

“So, what does that make you?”

“A little bit of both.”

We share a laugh while digging into the chips and salsa.

“I love you for grabbing groceries, or at least attempting to.” I eye the chips and liquor, the only things Ali managed to buy. “But I don’t think I can survive on chips and margaritas. We should probably think about dinner soon.”

“Do you want to order take-out?”

“No. I’m sure Mary left something frozen in the freezer we could eat.”

“Logan, it’s your birthday. We should do something special.”

I don’t know how to tell Ali that nothing feels special today without sounding like I need pity. Physically, I’m healing from the accident, but internally I still experience waves of sadness that crash over me, even though I’m coming to terms with this miscarriage. Turning twenty-three and another year of life reminds me that I thought I would become a mom this year, but now I’m not. This morning was a physical reminder of that. And the only person who makes me feel whole, like my world has stability, is in another state chasing after everything he wants in life.

Some days I feel guilty because I’m sad Eli’s not here. He’s doing the thing I told him to do. He’s living out his best life. But I’m human, and I miss him. Though, I will never admit out loud how much it’s eating at me to be away from him today. No one else needs to feel worse than they already do.

The doorbell rings, pulling me out of my self-absorbed thoughts.

“I’ll get it!” Cam yells from the living room.

He swings the door open, his amused laugh echoing through the entryway. “Oh shit!” Cam shouts. “Look at Maddison getting all romantic.”

“What is it?” I ask before Cam walks back into the kitchen, holding a bouquet of flowers so big it practically covers his entire upper body.

“Damn!” Ali exclaims. “Nice work Mad-dog.”

“Oh my gosh.” My eyes wander over the most beautiful bouquet I’ve ever seen. It’s all sunflowers, bright yellow and beaming. My mood instantly lifts when they’re placed on the counter in front of me.

The green stems and leaves are perfect and vibrant, the yellow of the petals all sunshine and joy. My heart beats a little faster when I see the small card tucked delicately into the arrangement. I need Eli’s words always, but the need is a little more vital today.

I can feel Cam and Ali’s eyes on me as I pull the note from the bouquet. When I pop open the flap of the envelope, I’m a little bummed not to see Eli’s handwriting. The message is typed, most likely from the flower shop, but these are his words, and that’s all that matters.

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