Page 198 of Becoming Selfish

“I know what today is,” I tell her as her head snaps back to look at me. “Why didn’t you say anything?” I gently ask.

Her bottom lip begins to quiver before more tears start to fall from her sad and swollen eyes.

“I didn’t want to put this on you,” she says with a shaky voice.

I close my eyes before looking up to the ceiling, trying to collect my thoughts.

“Logan, that’s what I’m here for. We are a team now. It’s not just you anymore. Your pain is my pain.”

“No, it’s not!” she snaps. “This is my pain! This is my fault!” She pokes at her chest, tears continuing to run down her red cheeks.

“What’s your fault?” I somehow ask as my heart begins to race, hearing Logan’s frantic tone. Logan has never spoken to me this way before, but I know she’s not mad at me. She’s angry at herself, but I don’t know why.

“It’s my fault,” she cries, hiding her face in her hands. “It’s my fault she’s dead.”

My jaw slacks, and my face pales as I take in Logan’s words. Not only is she grieving for her mom one year after she died, but now she’s blaming herself for it all, which is the furthest thing from the truth. Not only did she sacrifice part of her body, but she sacrificed her innocence, her selfish years, her childhood.

I drop to my knees in front of Logan as she sits on the bed, while I attempt to get her gaze to lock with mine. I pull her hands away from her face, keeping them interlocked between my fingers. “That wasn’t your fault, Logan. You did everything you could for her. More than everything.” My voice is laced with desperation, trying to convince her of my words.

She shakes her head as she stands from the bed, leaving me without her touch. “It is my fault. I should’ve done more. Tried harder. But instead, she died, and I just fucking ran away to another country and tried to forget all about her.” Her hands frantically wipe away the fresh tears that won’t stop falling.

“Logan.” I stand up and grab her wrists, but she pulls away from my grasp. I wrap my arms around her body and keep her held tightly to my chest, not letting her get away from me. Finally, she melts into me as her sobbing begins again.

I smooth her tangled ponytail as she hides away in my chest. “Have you ever mourned her?” I ask, as her cries become louder. I pick her up and take a seat on the bed with her across my lap as she continues to cry into my shoulder. “It’s been a year, and you’ve never talked about her. You’ve never let me in.”

“Let me help you,” I beg of her.

She shakes her head against me. “I don’t want this for you. I’m broken, and I don’t know if I’m ever going to get fixed.”

My eyes screw shut at her tone as my heart breaks a little more. “You’re not broken, Logan. Far from it. You’re the strongest person I know. Let me be here for you.”

She climbs off my lap, creating distance between us, both figuratively and literally.

“I have to do this alone,” she plainly states as she stubbornly crosses her arms in front of her chest.

“But you’re not alone, anymore. You have me. You have Marc.”

“I am alone!” she shouts with wild and sad eyes. “I’m always alone! Everyone always leaves me. You’re going to leave me,” she cries.

I feel stunned right now. I should’ve caught this. I should’ve taken my dad’s advice earlier and assured her that nothing would change if I got called up and had to leave. It won’t change anything. It can’t change anything.

“Come with me,” I desperately request as I stand from the bed to face her. “If I get called up, come with me.”

She looks at me with confusion on her face before violently shaking her head in disagreement. “I can’t just go with you, Eli. I’m still in school. I’m not giving that up.”

I let out a defeated sigh. This is the last thing I want to talk about today, but for some reason, thoughts of her mom being gone is convincing her that I’m going to leave her too. “Even if I go, nothing is going to change between us, Logan. I’m not leaving you.”

“What am I supposed to do, huh? Come visit every time you happen to have a day off from hockey? Fly all over the country trying to catch you on my weekends while I’m in grad school? I can’t live my life for someone else, Eli.”

“I’m not asking you to live your life for me, Logan! It’s not just about you or me. It’s about us!” I look up towards the ceiling, trying to calm myself down.

After a moment of silence, I lower my voice back to its normal volume and continue. “I’ve only ever wanted one thing, and that was to play professional hockey, but that one dream turned into two dreams this year when I met you. I’m not going to apologize for wanting you, too.”

“I can’t even handle you being on the road for a week. Look at me, look how fucked up I am! I don’t want to feel like I need you. I don’t want to need anyone but me.”

“Why not?” I ask, feeling extremely flustered at the moment. “It’s okay to need someone. I need you!”

“This was never supposed to happen,” she says with a whimper as she motions between us. “You weren’t supposed to happen.”

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