Page 192 of Becoming Selfish

I shoot him a thankful smile, feeling bad for the way I snapped. He’s just trying to help. I know that, but this week has been an absolute nightmare already, and I don’t want to dig into my past anymore. I just want to move forward and pretend like last year never happened.

“Well, Logan. It was great to meet you.” He stands from the stool, walking towards the exit. “I’ll see you in three months for your next check-up, yeah?”

“Yes. Thank you, Dr. Lopez.”

“Robert,” he playfully corrects me.

“Sorry,” I chuckle. “Thank you, Robert.”

After giving a quick urine sample, I made it back to campus with plenty of time to make it to my last final of the week—managerial economics. But it didn’t much matter. I know I did terribly. My mind is nowhere near school right now. It’s not even much on Eli, which is unusual. It’s all on my mom. What happened last year, what I haven’t dealt with yet. I can’t stop thinking about it.

The heaviness I feel pushes me into my mattress as I try to fall asleep. The darkness of the room around me is exactly how my mind looks. Dark, scared, and sad. Afraid to tackle this head-on. The grief is creeping in. I can feel it slowly consuming me, reminding me that I have to deal with this.

I haven’t shed a tear. Not one fucking tear, and I refuse to start because once I do, I don’t know if they’ll ever stop. It’s going to come on full-force. I can sense it.

The conversation I had with Jack while I was in Indiana has been playing on repeat in my mind. “You’re going to have to feel it all so you can move on,” he said. I don’t think I have much of a choice anymore. It’s happening whether I want to acknowledge it or not.

Last year, I didn’t grieve. I threw all my shit in a storage unit and hopped on a plane to Europe. I spent the semester pretending like nothing was wrong. I drank away any unwanted emotions, and Marc was the greatest distraction I could’ve asked for. He probably doesn’t realize it, but he was. He was the light in my very dark world. He pulled me out of the depths of grief before I had really even gone through them. But here it is—it’s dark again.

My phone dings with a new message from Eli. He doesn’t know what’s going on with me. I’ve lied the whole week, pretending like I was okay. I’ve stayed away from Marc and Ali a fair amount, too, blaming it on school. I don’t want anyone to see me like this. They all know me too well, they’ll know something is wrong, and I don’t want to be a burden on anyone else. I can handle it myself.

E: I’m glad your appointment went well. I don’t need anything happening to you. The game went great. I felt really good. The Dallas Scout is flying to Minnesota to watch our game tomorrow too. This is big, and I’ll fill you in on that tomorrow. I’ll try not to wake you when I get home. It’ll be late. I love you so much, and I can’t wait to see you.

And there it is. The first tear to fall. There’s no stopping it now. I’m in it, and I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to get out. Or if I ever will.

Tomorrow is the day. Eli is going to get called up. It’s only fitting that he leaves me the same day my mom did.

Chapter 79

Eli

I finally got a good night’s sleep last night after being on the road for eight days. I don’t know what I’m going to do if Logan decides stays in Minnesota if and when I get called up. And not just because I can’t sleep without her, but because I need her. I always need her. She’s the other half to my whole.

She’s had me worried sick about her all week. Something in my gut is telling me she’s lying about being okay. I can feel it. She sounded perfectly normal on the phone whenever we spoke, but she would never answer my video calls. It’s like she didn’t want me to see her face or something. She always had an excuse as to why she couldn’t answer. Not to mention that Marc and Ali confirmed my suspicions that Logan didn’t seem like herself on multiple occasions this week.

Something about this doctor’s appointment she had yesterday isn’t sitting right with me. Is that why she’s been off all week? She said it was a routine check-up, but was that true? Is she afraid to tell me something is wrong? After her kidney, my second thought was that she could be pregnant and is afraid to tell me. Even though we always use protection, there’s still that chance. Knowing how sure Logan is that she doesn’t want kids, it would make sense why she hasn’t been herself all week.

Then there’s the thought that she’s sad about her parents because it’s the holidays. She was upset the day after Thanksgiving, but she hasn’t brought up the subject since, and Logan is usually pretty cut and dried when it comes to that part of her past. I don’t know what’s going on yet. All I know is that after my game today, we are officially on winter break, so whatever is going on with her, we can work through it together.

I give one last lingering kiss to Logan’s tattoo, trying not to wake her as I peel myself out of her bed. I would kiss her pretty lips too, but her head is buried under a blanket at the moment. I need to get to the rink for pregame skate, and after Logan’s week of finals, I’m sure she needs the extra rest. She was asleep last night when I came in, which I fully expected since it was so late, but even being able to have her in my arms after eight days makes me feel like myself again. Although, with that scout coming today, I wouldn’t mind hearing Logan’s soothing voice before I hit the ice, but I don’t want to add any more of a burden onto her at the moment. I’d rather she get some rest.

I write her a note, throw on my clothes, and give her shoulder a quick kiss before heading to the rink.

During warmups, I’ve kept my eyes on the four seats behind our bench, but they remain empty. I figured that Logan and Marc would be here by now, but they’re not. Maybe they’re just running behind.

My eyes drift up a few rows, finding the Dallas Stars scout already in his seat. We had a good talk last night after my game. He told me that he could tell from my season’s stats that the substandard game he watched me play back in October against Penn State was a one-off. He let me know what his team was looking for and that he thought I could be the right addition, to which I quickly agreed. Dallas’ offensive system plays right into my strengths, and it’s a team I’ve had my eye on for quite some time if I was given a choice.

He also told me that they aren’t going to be making any call-ups just yet. They’re waiting until the trade deadline to see where their budget cap is at and what their playoff standings might look like. I understand, and if I’m being honest, I’m relieved to hear it. It would give Logan and me a bit more time to figure out our game plan. The fact that he flew out to the Midwest to watch a second game in a row is enough to assure me that I’m at the top of his radar.

I watch as Marc sneaks into his seat right after the national anthem, but he’s alone. As soon as starting lineup announcements are done, I quickly skate over, crawl over the player’s bench and tap on the glass in front of him to get his attention.

“Where’s Logan?” I quickly ask my brother from behind the barrier.

“She said she wasn’t feeling well.”

“What? What’s going on?”

“I’m not sure, man. But you need to focus on this game. Logan will be fine.”

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