Page 119 of Becoming Selfish

Nodding my head in response because I don’t know what else to say, I turn to walk away, but Eli takes my hand and pulls me back to stand between his legs.

He closes his eyes as if he’s trying to force himself to be open with me.

“The thought of being without you, that’s what caused that reaction, Logan.” He opens his eyes, looking at me with sincerity. “Playing like shit caused me to get in my head and have a panic attack, but being an asshole today, I don’t know it’s like I’m trying to blow up the rest of my life, too. It’s not an excuse, but sometimes when the anxiety builds up, I take it out on the people around me. It’s something I need to work on.”

“I’m so sorry, Logan,” he says, searching my eyes with his.

My phone dings on his dresser and I pick it up to find a couple of missed texts from Marc.

M: You okay up there?

M: I’m assuming you’re staying. Ordered pizza, and it’s down here if you guys want some.

“Marc and Ali had pizza delivered.” I set my phone back on his dresser. “Want to come downstairs with me?”

Eli shakes his head. “No, I just want to be alone tonight. I’ll get it together tomorrow. I promise.”

I give him a half-smile before bending down and kissing his temple. Before I can turn to leave, Eli grabs my hips and pulls me to sit across his lap, his arms snaking around my waist.

“I’m sorry, Logan,” Eli whispers into my neck.

“I know, baby.” I stroke his wet hair with my hand.

After polishing off the extra-large pizza that Marc ordered, sans the two pieces I saved for Eli, Marc stands to go find another bottle of wine.

“What the hell do your parents do for work, anyway? You guys are loaded,” Ali asks without filter.

In true Ali fashion, she says what’s on her mind, but I’ve been wondering the same. The fact that this is their second house and it’s this large, plus it’s on a lake, I can only imagine what their home in Indiana looks like.

Marc laughs from the wine fridge as he pulls another bottle off the wall. “Our dad is a financial advisor, but my mom is actually the breadwinner. She made some smart investments when she was younger. That’s how they met.”

Ali and I look at each other, swooning at the thought. We both think that Marc and Eli’s parents are the absolute cutest together.

“You sure you don’t want a glass, Logan?” Marc asks as he refills Ali’s.

“No, I’m good, thanks. I’m going to get to bed.”

I don’t feel like drinking tonight. I’m already drained from the night I had with Eli. I’m emotionally exhausted, and I’m ready to pass out. I didn’t tell Marc and Ali what happened upstairs in the shower, that’s between Eli and me, but they know me well enough to know that I have a good reason to stay tonight.

“Goodnight, guys.” I head upstairs with a plate of pizza in my hands.

“Night, girl.”

“Goodnight, Logan. Love you,” Marc calls out as I make it to the top of the stairs.

When I open Eli’s bedroom door, I find his beautiful body laid out on the bed, wearing only his briefs. His back is to me as he sleeps soundly, most likely just as exhausted as I am from the night we had. I quietly place the plate of pizza on his nightstand, just in case he wakes up and is hungry, before picking up my duffel bag and tiptoeing towards the door to find a place to sleep for the night.

“Where are you going?” Eli asks.

When I turn back around to face him, he’s sitting up in bed, confusion plastered on his handsome face.

“I was going to find a guest room. You said you wanted to be alone tonight.”

He shakes his head. “That doesn’t mean you, Logan. Please stay with me,” he requests with an edge of desperation.

I’ve never been any good at saying no to this boy, even though I still feel uneasy about the way he spitefully threw breaking up in my face. My confidence in myself and our relationship is definitely shaken, but that doesn’t keep me from setting down my bag and climbing into bed with him.

My stomach has been in knots all night. I’m having a hard time figuring out my emotions. I feel so bad for Eli that his shot at his dream didn’t go as planned, but it’s also a reminder that he can be gone any day. But then, he was crying in the shower, begging me not to leave him, when in reality, he’s the one that’s going to leave me when he gets called up. I don’t know. I’m just confused, I guess.

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