Page 71 of Becoming Selfish

“Yeah, she was my best friend.” Logan’s face begins to light up until she pauses for a moment, getting lost in her memories.

“When I was younger, my mom’s kidneys started to fail—”

“Logan, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” I interrupt. I don’t want her to feel pressured to tell me anything when she’s not comfortable. Just because I opened up to her, doesn’t mean she owes me anything. I know how private she can be.

“I want to. I mean, if you want to know?” she asks, seeming unsure.

Looking up for a moment, she explores my face, searching for any hesitation from me, but there’s none to be found. I want to be here for her. If she’s willing to open up to me, then I want to hear everything she has to say.

“Come here.” I motion for her to come closer. Lifting the blanket, I use my other hand to guide her hips onto my lap. She sits across my legs as I pull the blanket back over her to keep her warm, holding her in my arms. She fits perfectly against my body, and I feel at ease having her this close. Hopefully, my holding her brings her the same comfort that it does me.

“I want to know anything that you feel comfortable enough to share,” I tell her.

She gives me an appreciative grin before resting her head on my shoulder and continuing. “My mom’s kidneys were failing, and my dad was going through testing to see if he would be a match to donate to her, but he passed away before he could. That’s when I decided that I would donate to her if I were a match, which I was. She was so low on the donation list that, at that point, I was her only chance of getting a transplant. I gave up my scholarship to stay home, and we had the surgery, but it didn’t work. Her body rejected my kidney, even though we ran all the proper tests.” She pauses as I tighten my grip around her body.

Could this girl be anymore selfless?

“Her health started to decline drastically from there. She was back on dialysis, and it was taking its toll on her body. I was taking care of her all day, every day, spending hours with her hooked up to machines, to the point where I barely had time for myself anymore. Even when I was healing from my own surgery, all I could think about was her. I was stressed out all the time. She was my only parent left, and we were so close, but I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for something else bad to happen. Her kidney issues were just the beginning of a laundry list of health issues that began to come up.”

Her words begin to come out rushed and frantic, so I lift my head to glance at her, causing her to pause. Looking into her green eyes, I tuck a fallen strand of hair behind her ear and underneath the beanie. She takes a moment, gives me a thankful smile, and rests her head back on my shoulder before continuing.

“The worst of it was in her last few months. She was constantly in and out of the hospital, and each time I took her in, I thought that was it. I thought that was the time I was going to have to say goodbye. They had her on some extreme medications to keep her alive, which caused pretty some severe side effects. Her mind was so foggy that she didn’t even know who I was most of the time. That’s one of the hardest things I had to come to terms with is that my own mother didn’t recognize me for the last couple of months of her life.”

I rest my head on hers, wanting to be close to her and bring her comfort. She doesn’t have to tell me this, and I can tell she’s struggling with it, but I just want her to feel taken care of. She deserves to be taken care of.

“When it was near the end for her, she had been in the hospital declining for weeks. She was so sick at that point that I had to be the one to make the call and let her go, that we had to stop trying with all the meds. I think about that every day, wondering if I made the right decision. She was basically gone already, but still, I battle with that decision every day.”

I honestly have no idea what to say right now. I’m way out of my element here, but I don’t want Logan to feel alone in her grief. She’s not even crying as she tells me about her mom. Has she ever had the opportunity to cry on someone’s shoulder before?

“Did you have anyone to be there for you or to help you?” I ask, resting my head on hers, my lips brushing against her temple, and remembering what Marc had said about her always having to take care of herself.

“No, it’s just me. I don’t have any siblings, and the only family I had was my parents. I had a boyfriend at the time, but he definitely did not help the situation.”

I want to get back to that boyfriend topic, but right now, I just want to remind Logan of how special she is.

“Do you know how incredible you are?” I lift my face from hers so that I can get a better look at her.

“I’m not.” She shakes her head, laughing under her breath. Logan doesn’t do a great job at accepting compliments, but I think it’s because she’s not used to hearing them.

“Logan, you are. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.” I look into her eyes, willing her to believe me. “I wish I would’ve known you then. I wish I could’ve been there for you.”

“Me too,” she says, giving me a half smile.

Bending down, I gently graze her lips with mine, wanting to thank her for trusting me. As much as I want to kiss her longer, it doesn’t feel like the right time after the heaviness of our conversation. As if I wasn’t already crushing on Logan enough, getting a glimpse into the woman she really is has done nothing but cause me to fall for her even more.

She nuzzles her head into the crook of my neck and wraps her arm around my shoulder. “So when you ask what my passion is, the truth is, over the last few years, I haven’t had the time to find something that I feel that way about.”

“Well, we’re going to work on that.” I tighten my grip around her waist. Though, I don’t think she realizes she already has something that she’s passionate about. You can see how much she cares for people and wants to take care of them. I saw it the night I told her about my birth father, I heard it just now when she spoke about donating to her mom, and I feel it every time I’m vulnerable with her. She might not realize she’s passionate about it, and honestly, she’s probably sick of having to care for everyone else around her, but it’s who she is. It’s ingrained in her.

It makes sense, Marc being so protective of her. He wants her to think about herself for a change instead of worrying about everyone around her. Now, I totally get it, and I couldn’t be more on-board.

I know I don’t deserve to be here with the strong and selfless girl in my arms, but I’m going to do everything in my power to take care of her and be who she needs. I get that she’s independent and can take care of herself, but she shouldn’t have to. She doesn’t even see that she deserves the best the world can offer her—not that I think I necessarily am, but I’m going to try my hardest to be.

Chapter 48

Eli

I have no idea how long we’ve been sitting here, but I’d be happy to stay out here all night, holding Logan. This moment is the most content and peaceful I’ve felt in a long time, and judging by her slow and steady breathing, I think the same goes for her. The sun is almost entirely set, causing the pond to be overtaken with darkness, but still, I refuse to interrupt us. As if she could hear my thoughts, Logan speaks for the first time in a while, keeping her head nuzzled against my neck.

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