Page 27 of I Love My Mistake

Thinking about it, I sip the tea, feel it soothe me as best it can. “I think that would show that I’m not strong enough to face him on my own.”

“Oh.” She understands that all too well. No one tries to be as strong as Amber.

I look up and ask the heavens, “Why didn’t he tell me he was married when I met him???!”

Amber shakes her head at the unfairness. “Said a million women everywhere.”

“Right?! I can’t believe I’m now a statistic. Falling in love with a married man.” I pick up the Jameson, double-fisting it now. I take turns drinking from both as Amber smiles at me. I’m sure I do look pretty funny. “I’m very dehydrated.”

“Aren’t we all?” She chuckles. “I have to admit, I’m bummed I can’t go to the studio for you. I want to see this guy.”

“He’s beautiful. Not your type, though. You like good guys like Josh.”

“I like a good bad boy like the best of them! Remember Jake Lombardi?”

“Oh yeah! But that wasn’t love, that was a fuck-fest.”

She gets wistful, staring off into the memory. “Yeah…”

“Josh is an actor. Does he know Jake?”

This pulls her back to reality, fast. “God, I hope not.”

“I have to never see him again. Never, Amber. Not even one more time.”

She stares at me, bites her lip. “Well, let’s hope New York City doesn’t conspire to throw you guys back together.”

I shiver at the thought. “Can I ask a favor of you?”

“Of course.”

“Can you never ask me about him? Never bring him up?” I search her face, looking for a promise.

She nods. “You just want to put it behind you, huh?”

“Yes. I need that.”

“I can do that. I won’t even talk to Jess about it, or Josh, if you don’t want me to.”

I stretch to her and she meets me halfway, for a hug.

“Thank you. Really. Thank you.”

We pull apart and she says, “Oh you’ve got one of my hairs on you.” She picks it off. It’s this small action that makes me remember something.

“Amber, since we’re talking about things that will never be talked about again…” I begin cautiously.

Her head tilts to the side. “Yes?”

“When I saw she was blonde – his wife - I thought of coursehe chose a white woman over me. Isn’t that terrible? Why did I think that?”

Amber frowns. “I think a lot of those things come into our heads simply out of habit.”

I think about it. “Or it’s stuck in my blood cells somewhere…from my ancestors.”

“Could be. But you know, I was aware you were black when we first met, but then you were just Nicole and color went away. And now –just now – when you said blonde, it didn’t occur to me that that meant white. I was just thinking it was a hair color.” She smiles.

“Yeah! I think things are changing. Because I didn’t even think when I met his wife that you were blonde and therefore white. To me, you’re just Amber, too.”

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