Page 104 of I Love My Mistake

JESSICA

Chapter Forty-Seven

Two Days Later

Both my girlfriends aren’t taking my calls. I’ve been phoning nonstop like some crazy stalker but I’m getting the silent treatment. So I came here to Chris’s as soon as he got home from work. I was even waiting outside chewing on my lips, anxiously tapping my feet, when he walked up.

All patience has left me.

Now Chris sits back on his couch and crosses his ankle over his knee, looking at me thoughtfully. “Say that again.”

His apartment is a nice two bedroom in the West Village. His architecture background and respect for the planet are evidenced everywhere in the clean simple wood pieces mixed with modern, metal light fixtures. The cottons of the seat cushions on the dining room chairs and on the pillows lying about are all made from recycled cloth. Even the couch cushions he’s sitting on are made from recycled cotton, their creamy tone complimenting his golden skin so handsomely.

But I’m not thinking about how good he looks right now. There is only one thing on my mind and that’s how do I get my girlfriends to talk to me again. I can’t live without them. Apparently they can live without me.

That has got to change.

Like, now.

“Well…” I begin again, twisting my red hair at the ends with both hands as I pace in front of him. Round and round my hands go. “I’ve single-handedly ruined Nicole’s life. Amber said I’ve robbed Nicole of any chance at happiness because I am a selfish twat. I’m barely paraphrasing here. And she and I got into a big fight. I called her a barking Shih Tzu… essentially.” I stop pacing and turn to him. “Have a gallon of vodka lying around?”

His eyes narrow as he studies me. “This is about Mark, isn’t it…”

“You say that like it’s obvious.”

“It is.”

“Oh.”

He touches the couch next to him. “Come here, please.”

I slowly walk over and sit, staring at my lap and waiting for the bomb to drop.

“Look at me, please.”

My long eyelashes rise (thank you, Grandma) and I flutter them. But he shakes his head. He isn’t having it. My shoulders sheepishly droop and I mutter, “I’m sorry I’m asking you about this. I usually talk to Amber and Nicole, but they’re not talking to me. I can figure it out on my own, if it’s too uncomfortable for you.”

The look on his face kills me. “You care about him, don’t you?”

“No!”

His chin tilts slowly down, his eyes a little distant. “Jess. Why would you be holding Mark away from Nicole if you aren’t still interested?”

His question is like ice poured on the top of my head. I shiver and tuck my hands between my thighs, chewing on my bottom lip. “Wow. You too, huh?”

He says nothing, just lets his question hang in the air. Biting off a piece of dried skin, I gnaw on it. My mind spins. How has everything gone to shit over some guy I slept with twice? Why did I get so jealous? Is this still shrapnel from David cheating on me? Do I want Mark for myself? My heart hurts at the thought because part of me wants to keep him. Not as a lover. I want to keep him as a part of my story, safely there where I’ve defined his purpose. But doors only close when you’re going in the wrong direction, and doors are shutting fast on me. I can’t lie to myself anymore. And though I won’t tell Amber this, she’s right. I’m a selfish twat.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I look at Chris. One of the corners of my mouth comes up. “I’ve been being an idiot, haven’t I?”

He doesn’t smile or speak, but there’s a sparkle behind his eyes again. The sight eases my heart and I know I’m on the right track. Doors are opening. A small chuckle drifts through me, relief for no longer having to fight so hard to keep the fantasy in my head going. I’ve made a mess of things. Denying it – to anyone – has been so tiring. It’s hard to admit when I’m wrong, but the air sure feels lighter after I’ve done it.

“Yeah. I have.”

He leans back and looks away for a heartbeat, then flashes a smile my way. “So what are you going to do about it, beautiful?”

I sigh. “I don’t feel beautiful, but thank you for saying that, baby. Well, what can I do, if they won’t talk to me? Should I go to Nicole’s house and force her?”

He smiles at the thought, and I can see his answer is a firm, amused no. An idea occurs to him, and he chews on it a second. “Will Mark talk to you?”

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