Page 6 of Seth’s Doll

He gives me a half-smile before he begins. “I knew Seth for many years before you two Quill girls came into our world. And while he’s always been the funny, goofy, good-natured person we all know and love, there was also this… damaged part of him before he met you. He’s always been a highly skilled Dominant who’s a stickler for the rules of this lifestyle, never breaking the trust of those who submitted to him. But inside, Sadist was the Dominant role he most identified as. And he had to be selective with the subs he played with, in order to be sure they were highly masochistic and wanted his level of sadism. But you healed that part of him, so he no longer feels the needs of a sadist, at least not nearly as strongly.”

I shift in my seat, not really hearing the last sentence he said, unable to control the jealousy I feel when I allow myself to think about my husband’s former submissives. When we first got together, the sole thing I cared about was making sure I would be his one and only. He’s the head trainer at the club, after all, where his style of teaching was always very hands-on before he met me.

My main concern was that he’d want to continue with that same teaching approach, even while being in a relationship with me. I feared he would say yes to subs who propositioned him to play for the first time, to experience submitting to a literal Master, or that he’d agree if former students and partners wanted to have another go. He’d always been a single man with no long-term sexual partners, so I didn’t know if he wanted or even had the ability to be in a monogamous relationship.

I made it clear that I didn’t have it in me to share him, so if he wanted to be with me, I needed him to be faithful. I needed to be the only woman in his life, the only one he’d ever touch, kiss… love.

I thought it would be a big ask.

To my surprise, it’s exactly what he wanted, and he craved the same thing from me. Although I thought it was silly he even thought I might someday allow, or even want, another man to touch me. I was a twenty-four-year-old virgin who finally found the one man I wanted to give myself to. Him. No one else would ever come close.

“Are you all right?” Doc asks, pulling my eyes up to meet his laser-blue ones watching me closely.

I blush again, but this time from shame. “I know it’s immature, but I get jealous when I think about his previous partners. Ignore me.” I wave off my emotions, but he surprises me by asking another question instead of continuing his story.

“Your feelings should never be ignored, Twy. Every emotion you feel is valid. So will you explain what you experience where Seven’s past subs are concerned?”

I smile inside, remembering Astrid saying something very similar when I got here earlier. Another example of how Doc is always rubbing off on her in a positive way.

“My jealousy, possessiveness, whatever you want to call it, ever since we established our monogamous relationship undoubtedly comes from my self-doubt in being a good submissive. I can’t help begrudging his former subs, because nothing could ever make me believe any of them were as terrible at it as I am. They were all incredibly sexy and confident, I’m sure, knowing exactly how to please this… professional Dom, the owner of the exclusive establishment they were deemed worthy enough to be members of. They were vetted, hand-picked, given a very hard-earned seal of approval. But I, on the other hand, was basically just… grandfathered in. He wanted me in, so even if I’m unworthy of being there, I still get in the door.” I cringe.

I’ve never been one to feel so self-deprecating. I’ve always been a confident person, because I always excelled at what was important to me. My studies, my career as a chemical engineer, and being a good, loving little sister. But all of that disappeared the moment we crossed the California state line. Well, except the loving little sister part. Gone were my studies. Gone was my chosen career path I had been so passionate about. And instead, I did what was necessary to survive and keep Astrid safe. Which I have zero regrets about. I just… lost myself in the process.

“Okay, again, coming to you as your husband’s best friend, I need to let you in on something. Once I do that, then we can address what’s personally going on with you and hopefully be able to start working on fixing it,” Doc tells me, and I nod, then lean forward in the chair, both anxious and excited to hear what he has to say.

“First of all, Seth is obsessed with you. You see that, don’t you?”

I smile. “He does act quite enamored. Which I don’t understand?—”

He interrupts, “It’s not an act, Twy. And you don’t have to necessarily understand why. You just need to believe it. He’s not only in love with his wife. He is infatuated by you, everything that makes you Twyla. You said it yourself—you’ve seen the types of women at Club Alias. You’ve met some of his former students. And he was once a highly sought-after Dominant. I’m sorry to cause you any type of discomfort, but to put it bluntly, yes, he could’ve chosen any one of those women to not only be his sub, but to be in any kind of long-term relationship with.”

I swallow thickly and sink back in the chair, trying in earnest to keep my tummy from bubbling with the acid I feel starting to churn.

“But he never did. Not even once,” Doc continues. “Not a single time did Seth mention a woman by name in all the years I’ve known him. Not one time did he say anything about a sub causing him to feel any sort of emotion. But the very day he met you, he told all of us—Corbin, Brian, and me—that he met a girl named Twyla, and she made him feel ‘weird.’”

I can’t help it. I let out a laugh as my heart expands even more for the man I married. Knowing him the way I do, “weird” would’ve been a big deal for him to feel, and for him to confess to his closest friends. It would’ve been startling for those guys to hear it coming from him as well. As goofy as the man is, and as much as he loves to quote movies and such, Seth is off-the-charts intelligent, with a vocabulary that is astounding. For him to be unable to describe what he was feeling as anything but “weird,” meant it was an emotion he’d truly never experienced before.

And he felt it for me.

“I can see you get what a big deal that was for everyone there that day, so I’m going to take it one step further. I talked to him throughout the entire beginning of your relationship. Each step of the way, he came to me to help him decipher what he was thinking, wanting. Courting a woman was something he’d never done before. Every single action and feeling he was experiencing was brand-new territory. And he was determined to get it right. He knew from the start that you were special, and he wanted to make damn sure he didn’t do anything that would fuck up his chance to be with you. Once Seth decided you were meant to be his, that’s it. You were all that mattered. Anyone and anything else that could possibly keep that from becoming his reality, he shoved it all away. And it was for good, Twyla.” He looks at me seriously. “You have to know that about your husband. Once he makes a decision, it’s final. There are no takebacks.”

I nod. “Oh, I know that for sure. But there’s nothing to say that he can’t regret a decision he’s made. There’s no rule that states he can’t get bored with me, just because he may stick to his guns and not seek anyone else. I know for a fact Seth—and Seven for that matter—would never cheat on me. It’s against his moral code. No matter what, he wouldn’t allow himself to break that vow. But that doesn’t mean he can’t be unhappy with me. It doesn’t mean he can’t be disappointed that this woman he’ll be faithful to for the rest of his life isn’t good enough for him in bed. That I’m not learning to be a better submissive. That I’m not catching on to the things he’s tried to teach me. That I freeze when he gives me an order and am physically unable to carry out what he’s asked of me.”

As my bottom lids lose their battle against my tears once more, I see my brother-in-law sink a little to the side so he can prop his elbow on the arm of the couch and rub his beard-covered chin between his thumb and pointer finger. His eyes are narrowed, and I can tell he’s not really looking at me but internally. Trying to solve the puzzle I’ve laid out in front of him.

He murmurs to himself, “Secure in relationship, but not….”

After a moment, he nods and sits up, his bright blue eyes clear as he speaks to me this time. “This is purely a matter of self-doubt, insecurity in yourself and your abilities, and also… this stress reaction of freezing.” Those eyes of his gleam with… excitement? “I can help you, Twy. If you can agree to face it head-on and just trust me—even if what I tell you to do sounds silly, or embarrassing, or completely pointless—then I promise we can fix these negative feelings and responses of yours.”

I started nodding vigorously the moment he said “I can help you.” If my brilliant therapist says he knows how to fix my broken self-esteem and stop me from freezing with the man I love, then I will do my part, whatever it takes.

“I’m embarrassed all the time, Doc. Can’t get any worse, right?”

CHAPTER 4

Twyla

Wrong. Very… very wrong.

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