Page 95 of Love and Cherish

“What feeling is that?”

“It hurts.” Cherish let the sob catch in her throat as she stopped in front of Febe and faced her.

“Love does that.” Febe’s smile was filled with a sadness that broke Cherish all over again.

“No, it’s not love. I know I screwed up, but I don’t love her. It’s not worth it. You of all people know that.”

“Me of all people?” Febe looked flabbergasted, perhaps even offended. “What exactly am I supposed to know?”

“That love—” Cherish swallowed audibly before she could continue. “That love is never worth the heartache in the end.”

“You think that I regret loving Bernie?”

“You’ve been miserable since she left. She broke you. You can’t tell me what happened since she died isn’t a direct response to that.”

“Of course it is.” Febe looked utterly bewildered.

The expression was enough for fresh tears to spill out of Cherish’s stinging eyes. Her head pounded, but for a moment, her confusion in the conversation and in Febe’s expression pushed almost everything else away.

“So then how can you say it’s worth it?” Cherish cringed as her voice rose higher, the throbbing in her temples beating in time to her words. It was so hard to focus.

“God, I love you. We’ve been friends for so many years, but sometimes I worry about those walls you’ve built around your heart.”

Cherish wished she had been able to stop the scoff from escaping, but just like everything else, her control over her body seemed nonexistent this evening. She was pure chaos.

“All right, yes.” Febe allowed a small self-deprecating laugh out. “That might have been uncalled for. But when you find someone who sees the walls and starts climbing instead of running away, building more isn’t the answer. And that’s all you’ve done.”

“But falling in love and being broken is the answer?” Cherish couldn’t believe this was the conversation they were having.

“Yes.” Febe laughed.

Cherish smiled, small and sad. The weight of it on her lips felt far too close to betrayal. A betrayal to herself and all the emotions she pushed behind the wall, all the moments she stopped herself from falling into.

The silence stretched for a moment, and Cherish paced back and forth again, though the soles of her feet weren’t being bruised by these footfalls.

“Loving Bernie sometimes feels like the only right thing I’ve ever done in my life.” Febe’s voice was soft and caressed the air around them.

Cherish’s feet stalled in her steps for just a moment before she kept walking, back and forth. Her steps were slower now, not as frantic as when she’d first walked into the room. But she couldn’t stand still. Her mind still held that pressure of the storm. Despite the buckets worth of tears and the words she’d already spewed out to Febe, to both of their surprise it seemed.

“You want to be broken forever?” Cherish asked.

“I’m not broken.” Febe frowned. Her stillness was the counterpoint to Cherish’s movement, and Cherish longed for the calm. “If you’ve been hurt, and yes, love hurts sometimes, then it’s time to heal.”

Cherish wondered if all the fissures she carried around on her heart had ever considered healing. She’d lost so much, but she’d never told anyone about it. No one. Not even Stuart.

“Look, I know I’ll never be the person I was when I still had Bernie. But if I hadn’t had her in my life, who knows where I would be now. I am a better person for having loved her and lost her.” Febe gave Cherish a direct look, all the seriousness packed in there with compassion.

“I miss her.” Cherish hadn’t meant to say it, but now that it was out, a small weight lifted from her shoulders.

“Bernie?” Febe waited until Cherish met her eyes. “Or Haylee?”

Cherish instantly thought to say Bernie, because that’s who they were discussing. She had even opened her mouth with Bernie’s name on her tongue but closed it again before it escaped.

“Both,” Cherish admitted.

“I’ll always love Bernie.” Febe smiled, and Cherish watched as her shoulders rounded slightly, the sharp edges of Ms. Aarts disappearing with the conversation. “And I’ll never regret our time together. How could I? I found love, true love. And that’s so rare.”

Cherish nodded. She felt like the younger sibling all over again. She was waiting for her sister to tell her what to do, what move to make next, how to fix the mistakes she’d made.

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