Page 62 of Judge's Mercy

“You know me better than anyone else, even my sister.”

“Those aren’t hard things to know about a person.”

“But they are. The only way you’d know those things is if you really paid attention because you never asked me for the answers to any of those questions. Most people don’t pay any attention to the little things.”

“Are you saying I’m a creeper?”

“Your favorite color is yellow because, of course it is, you cheery motherfucker. Your favorite food is vegetable stir fry. You use an all-in-one shampoo, which is terrible for your hair, by the way. When I turn on the TV, you pick up a book because you don’t watch TV. A month ago, you finally got out of your zombie thriller phase, and now you’re into reading westerns.”

“I guess you know me better than anyone else too,” I say, pleased. She tries her best to make me think her feelings toward me are indifferent at best, but this proves otherwise.

“I don’t know how that happened.”

“I’ve basically forced myself into your apartment almost every day for months now. We were bound to pick up on a few things.”

“I guess so,” she says, but it’s sad.

“For as much as I like to think I know you, you still confuse the hell out of me.” Unable to stop myself, I reach over and cup the back of her neck to stroke my thumb over her cheek. “Why are you upset?”

“I’m not.” She smiles, but it’s flat and weak. “How could I be when I have Ryder now?”

I glance down at the sleeping kitten nestled in the crook of her arm. “I’m glad he makes you happy.”

“He does.” She strokes the kitten’s cheek while I stroke hers. “I’m sorry I’ve been a bitch to you. I don’t know why you put up with me.”

Because I love you.

“You’re worth it,” is what I say instead.

“You might be the only person who thinks so.”

“That’s not true. I think everyone else is just giving you space. It makes people uncomfortable when they don’t know what to say or do after something like what happened to you happens. They don’t understand that most survivors just want to be treated normally.”

“It’s been a while since your last Judge-ism,” she says in a slightly teasing tone. “Glad they’re back.”

“Glad to be back.”

“Is that why you don’t tell anyone about what happened to you or about what you do to yourself? You don’t want them to treat you differently?”

I tip my head side to side. “Mostly. It’s also just personal.”

“For all intents and purposes, they’re your brothers.”

“They are, but what happened to me was a lifetime ago. I’m not the same person.”

“Do you think they’d be okay with not knowing?”

I think about that and decide they’d be pissed I kept it from them. Wrapping my partially eaten food up in the wrapper, I stick it back in the bag. “You need anything before I take off?”

“You hardly ate.”

“I had a late lunch.” I bend down to kiss the top of her head, and she doesn’t push me away. “See you tomorrow.”

“I have plans tomorrow night.”

It’s her way of telling me she’s ready to cross a name off her list, and my stomach sinks. I know I can’t stop her from doing it, and I’ll worry nonstop while she’s out. “I’ll be here when you get home.”

“No. I’ll be fine.”

---