Page 46 of Judge's Mercy

I shake my head. “Anyway, after he was done ‘showing me his love,’ the guilt would overcome him, and I was made to repent for my sins.”

“Your sins?” she scoffs.

“That’s what the old scars are from.” Even though I say the words, I’m careful to keep myself from falling into the memories. I stopped allowing myself to go there a long time ago.

“I’m gonna fucking kill him. What’s his first name? Where was this? I can find him.”

I can’t hold back the smile I give the little vixen. “Thank you for wanting to avenge my honor, but you can’t kill him.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because I already did.”

Her posture straightens, and her brows furrow. “Good. He deserved it.”

I drop her hand and move to her side, stirring my black coffee for no reason other than I can’t look at her when I tell her the next part. “He did, but that’s not why I killed him. I ended his life because he found a new favorite. Here I was, preparing for the priesthood so I could be just like him, and he discarded me like trash. It shames me to say I killed him because I was jealous.”

“Judge—”

“It’s fucked, I know. But one day, I walked in on him during a session and caught him with a little boy who looked exactly like me when I was young. I lost it.” My eyes burn, and my nostrils flare as I fight not to let the memories drag me down. “I beat in his skull with a metal cross he kept on his desk.”

“How did you not get caught?”

“I did get caught. A nun heard his first cries and ran in to help. You should’ve seen the look on her face. Not because she actively caught Father Kerrigan raping a boy—I think she always knew that was happening—but because the amount of blood covering all three of us was horrific.”

“How are you not in prison right now?”

“They covered it up. I was given enough money for a bus ticket and instructions to never return. A few years later, I looked into it and found an obituary for the parish’s beloved Father Kerrigan, who suffered a deadly fall down a flight of stairs.”

“They should all die too.”

“Maybe, but not by my hands. His life was the only, and will be the only, I’ll ever take. I understand why it’s necessary for my brothers, but that’s not me. So I play the role they need while never being the one doing the killing.”

“Do they know what you do because of them?” she asks.

“Who?” I know who, but now we’re veering into some seriously dangerous territory.

“‘Don’t do that. Not with me.’ Isn’t that what you always say when I’m evasive?” She stands behind me once again, her hands moving to my biceps before trailing down my arms. Wrapping her arms around my middle in a hug, she rests her cheek on the back of my shoulder. “You know all my secrets, and now I know yours. There’s no point in hiding from me.”

I sigh. She’s right. What the hell else do I have to lose? “No. They don’t.”

“Judge,” she says in an admonishing tone. “I’ve only been around the club for a few months, but it’s been long enough to know they wouldn’t want this for you.”

I tip my head back, resting it on hers so she knows her affection is wanted. How long has it been since I’ve shared true intimacy with a woman? I don’t think I ever have. And if I did, I can’t remember.

“I know, but it’s not for them. It’s for me. It’s just what I have to do.”

“I don’t like the idea of you hurting yourself.”

“You’re doing the same thing. Not physically, but emotionally. This crusade you’re on is causing just as much harm to your spirit.”

“Where did you go when you left?” I don’t miss her quick change of topic, but I allow it. There’s only so much trauma we can cover in one morning.

This part I don’t need to hide from, so I turn around in her arms and hold her close. “I didn’t know where to go, but I knew it had to be far away, so I went west. I ran out of money in Reno, and here I am.”

“How did you find the club?”

“I need to back up a little before I tell you that. When I got to Reno, I didn’t have any skills except projects I’d done for the church, so I went back to what I knew and found a church. I think the priest knew I was running from something and took pity on me, kicking me some cash for doing odd jobs around the parish and reserving me a bed at the shelter.”

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