Page 69 of The Sisters at the Last House Before the Sea

Tears were trickling down her cheeks. Tears for what might have been and tears for the marriage she’d just lost. She felt them run across her jaw and plop onto her collarbones.

Sean reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a clean tissue, which he handed to her. ‘Here. You’d better have this.’

‘Thanks,’ gulped Caitlin, dabbing at her cheeks. She looked at him as he gazed out to sea, his face in profile. ‘I’m so sorry, Sean. I missed you so much,’ she whispered, her words caught in the breeze and carried out across the waves.

If he heard, he didn’t show it. He continued staring at the blue horizon.

‘Was it worth it?’ he asked after a while. ‘Was it worth leaving everything and everyone here behind?’

‘I threw myself into studying and work and I did well. I got promotions and I made friends and I met Stuart, my husband, and I gained Maisie as my daughter.’

Sean turned to face her. ‘So are you saying that it was worth it?’

‘I thought so at first but now…’ Caitlin blinked frantically and swallowed but it was no good. She began to sob like she hadn’t sobbed for years. Her head bent towards her knees under the weight of emotion pressing down on her.

‘Sorry,’ she managed between sobs. ‘So s-sorry.’

She was sorry to dissolve into a snivelling, snotting mess in front of Sean, but mostly she was sorry for the hurt and upset she’d caused over the years. And she could now see, in startling clarity, the extent of the loss she’d inflicted on herself and those around her in the name of escape – a loss of friendship, closeness, love. And when it came to Jessie, there would never be the slightest chance of redemption.

Caitlin suddenly felt strong arms around her and she was pulled in tight against Sean’s chest. She sobbed against the prickly wool of his jumper, feeling again like a young teenager who had just lost her mother. She hadn’t allowed herself to cry like this back then. She’d had to be strong for Isla. But now Isla didn’t want her protection.

Caitlin wiped the tissue roughly across her nose and managed to stop sobbing. But when she pulled away from Sean, exhausted, he gave her such a compassionate smile it almost set her off again.

‘Blimey, Cait, you don’t half look a sight.’

Caitlin imagined she did, with her hair on end and mascara down her cheeks. She started to scrub at her cheeks with the tissue but gave up. What was the point in trying to keep up appearances?

‘Sorry,’ she murmured, feeling worn out.

‘You’ve said that already,’ said Sean, fishing another tissue from his pocket and handing it over. ‘Many, many times.’

Caitlin sniffed. ‘I’ve messed up big time with everything, Sean. I behaved so badly back then and have got so much wrong since.’

‘You always seemed a bit…I don’t know…out of control, when we were younger. But you should cut yourself some slack. You’d lost your mum and had been responsible for Isla from such a young age. I can see why you wanted to break free.’

There was the kindness she’d always seen in Sean coming out. She was the one at fault, the one who’d screwed up. Yet he still found it in his heart to make excuses for her when the truth was she hadn’t deserved him all those years ago.

When she said nothing, too emotional to speak, he added: ‘Anyway, what’s so wrong about your amazing life in London? It can’t be that bad.’

Caitlin hesitated, but she was so tired of putting on a brave face. So tired of pretending.

‘My marriage is over,’ she said quietly. ‘It turns out that Stuart, apart from having a gambling problem, has been having an affair under my nose. And he owes so much money to so many people, we’re having to sell our house to pay off his debts, which means I’m about to be homeless, along with Maisie, who can’t stand me. Isla is so disappointed with my behaviour, she can hardly bear to look at me. And I never got to say goodbye to my grandmother who sacrificed a great deal to take me and Isla in, because I’ve been selfish and stupid and have stayed away.’

She stopped talking and the silence was broken only by the rush of the wind swirling eddies of snowflakes around them.

‘You’re right, it is that bad,’ said Sean. ‘Your life’s a total mess.’

‘Wow, thanks,’ said Caitlin, remembering that one of the things she’d always loved so much about Sean was his inability to fudge and obfuscate. Unlike Stuart, he didn’t lie or take risks with people’s feelings.

‘So where’s this Stuart now then?’

‘He’s in Gran Canaria.’

‘How can he afford that if he’s as broke as you said?’

‘He’s there for a work conference, with his girlfriend, who happens to work in his office.’

‘Let me guess, she’s much younger than him?’

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