Page 33 of Tammaro DeLuca

“I'll get the doctor for you.” Ro said, before I heard movement.

Doctor … beeping…

I opened my eyes to see stark white walls and monitors. The door opened and Ro walked inside with a nurse.

“The doctor will be in shortly.” She said to me as she went about checking my vitals. She mumbled things as she went about, or should I say that I tuned her out, trying to figure out how I'd been hospitalized.

“Good morning, Ms. Chambers. I am Dr. Zone. I wanted to discuss what's going on with you.”

I nodded to him, wanting to know as well.

“It looks like you had some internal bleeding which led you to miscarry the baby. From what I can tell, you were about six weeks along. Is that correct?”

“Pregnant? I couldn’t be…” I swallowed quickly, realizing that Ro was still inside the room. Had he planned this? Plus, I was on birth control.

“You were indeed pregnant.”

A tear slipped from my eye, and it opened the floodgates as if it were a sign for my emotions to break free. I was pregnant and lost it. Lost … it. Pregnant.

A flood of memories came rushing back. My ex … He made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. I stood tall next to him. I grew to be a woman of substance with the love he showed me as the motivator. Also, I wanted nothing financially, emotionally, or mentally. Never in a million years would I have ever suspected that he had another woman. Physically, we were compatible, but something always seemed to hold him back. It wasn't that way for the first three years, but then something changed. He changed. We went without sex for almost a month and at first, I blamed it on our busy schedules. Usually, we had sex three to four times a week for hours on end. But when he told me he hadn't noticed, I had to pause to rethink my perfect ass relationship.

The recurrent bacterial infections that I contributed to the rougher sex we enjoyed, and that we experimented with toys and lubricants. None of it prepared me for sitting in the doctor's office while she explained that this time it wasn't my usual infection. He'd given me gonorrhea. Once it cleared with treatment, she'd conducted an exam where she confirmed that my chances of conceiving were so low that I should plan on having children by “alternate means”. Adoption was the first suggestion.

That was three years ago, and I never looked back. Not at a relationship, unprotected sex, or the curiosity of having a child. I pushed those desires so far back that the idea of being pregnant was foreign. And to have lost that chance when I'd deemed it impossible? Unthinkable. That’s why I’d pushed the idea off when Simone suggested it.

I felt every piece of me die inside. Brick by brick, that wall crumbled, unleashing every unspoken desire about my future. And my ex, he was lucky I didn't have a loaded gun, or I'd be driving to his house now, beeping monitors and saline drip in the passenger seat, like a crazy person. He needed his dick cut off. Maybe that would help me cope with my body rejecting the one thing I've always wanted. Craved.

I couldn't stop the train of murderous thoughts swirling inside as I thought about his selfish ass taking away my opportunities. He'd asked me why we were together if the chances of me having children were now slim and he didn't show any remorse for what he'd done. He refused to admit to cheating. Instead, the tables turned, and I saw his true colors. He was before Jeremy. I refused to think or even say his name.

“Yolanda…” Ro's face appeared in front of mine, cutting off my thoughts. “I'm here, baby.”

Baby…

How had I not known that I was pregnant? I know I’d been working more than usual, sleeping here and there, but had it been enough to cause me to miscarry my baby? I tried to stop the guttural cry that mounted inside. But I couldn't. It erupted loud and long. Ro pulled me into his arms and rocked me side to side as I cried. He didn't rush the emotions. In fact, he seemed to soothe the pain as it released from my body.

When the doctors and nurses tried to give me something to calm me down, he yelled at them to get out while I mourned. When they did, he held me close, letting me exorcize my past demons however I needed to. I found peace in his arms and used it to bring me back into the present and out of the darkness.

As I quieted down, I kept repeating the same thing over and over.

Why me?

Why me?

Why me?

Why me?

Why me?

What had I ever done to deserve any of this?

A few days later, the doctor released me from the hospital labeled “cured and ready for the world”. Ro wasn't playing that. I stayed quiet mostly, answering when a direct question was aimed my way. At home, I could barely stand to move. Drained from the past few days, I wanted to curl up in my bed and sleep. Though, that’s all I’ve been doing anyway at the hospital. It was always interrupted by nurses and doctors poking and prodding. That wasn't rest.

“Shower first, though.” Ro warmed the water and undressed me before he opened a package he'd picked up on the way here.

Shower bombs. Ones he’d gotten for me. The sentiment wasn’t lost on me, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.

He waited until I was inside before dropping one into the shower. The relaxing scent of chamomile waved up to my nose as I heard him moving about. Then he climbed in naked and washed me from head to toe. I wanted to protest, but my muscles turned into putty as he worked me over.

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