Page 88 of Princess of Air

She leaves but is quickly replaced by Father. “How are you doing?”

“I don’t know.” I sniff in a shaky breath. “It isn’t as if we were in love, but we were already partners in a way. We shared our situation I suppose, and we got along well. He was a good person.” Tears well at my lashes again. He was good, and I wasn’t. Why should he have died when it could have been me? I was the one in danger; I’m probably deserving, but he died. Why? How?

Father wraps me in an embrace. “There isn’t anything I can say. This must be very confusing for you at this early stage of your relationship, but you had plans together, so I imagine it’s very difficult.”

His words invite me to sink into his warmth as much as his embrace does. I’m not sure how supportive he’d be if he knew the whole truth of the matter. He wouldn’t spurn me, though it would invite some of that dreaded disappointment to color his opinion. For now, I’ll let myself enjoy this pure, if blind, state of our connection.

“Darling,” he says, “you should get cleaned up and rest.”

I nod and wipe my eyes. “I will. I… I’m going to need to go to Ceraun with them. For the funeral.”

“I’ll go with you.”

My instinct is to say no, except I don’t suppose they’ll send me alone. And who else would I want to bring? Jo would be a decent option, but will she understand my grief since she knows about Tomas? I’d really like to be able to lean on Tomas right now. At times, I’ve forgotten that he is so much more to me than our physical encounters. I really count on him—want him—for everything. This would be even more bizarre for him, though, and I certainly can’t show up in Ceraun with him.

Even without Tomas, Urian won’t be pleased to see me, but if I don’t go, it would prove him right. I owe this much to Jamys to be there.

I answer Father’s offer with a nod. “I’d like that. Thank you.”

“I’ll work out the arrangements. Shall I ring for your maid to draw a bath?”

Even pulling my power to ring the bell sounds exhausting. “Yes. Thank you.”

He rises and does it. “It’s been overshadowed now, but Arabella, you were extraordinary in the trial.”

If it weren’t for the aches and exhaustion, I wouldn’t believe that had happened today. “I couldn’t even contain the fire.”

“It’s not about whose power is the strongest. It was the intent.”

I was trying to protect people. It shouldn’t have to be from my own sister, but she got so lost in winning… “Nina is out, I presume?”

“Yes. It’ll be you and Rylan now. But we’ll delay it however long you need.”

He leaves, and I sink back onto the chaise. This should simplify things—no more dealing with the power struggle if I simply allow Rylan to win at the last trial.

By the time I slink into bed, I’ve concluded that my biggest problems were solved today. The marriage I didn’t want won’t happen, and there won’t be a shift in the line of succession. I don’t have to live in Ceraun.

Not that I have any guarantees for alternatives. A hollowness settles into my chest at the change. I’ve gone from struggling between two good possibilities for love to maybe having none.

Still, there’s some relief for the struggle being over which feels like I’m a coward at best, a wretch at worst. I wish I could turn my mind off. I wish it could be blank so I could rest. Alas, these thoughts toss and tangle through me until I fall asleep due to sheer mental exhaustion.

Chapter forty-six

This time, I do believe my siblings are worried for me. They don masks of sympathy to see us off.

Mother is coming as well. I can’t remember the last time I spent any significant amount of time alone with both of my parents. It would be a novelty if it weren’t for such a morose reason.

A parade of carriages takes the Cerauno royals, Jamys’ coffin, and the three of us to Highbluff Castle to board our ship. The streets are lined with people quietly showing respect for the man who was to be part of their royal family, likely misdirecting their sympathies to me as well—the poor, sweet princess whose love story was cut short by tragedy.

No one knows what happened. Jamys’ heart simply stopped—from the shock of the calamity, supposedly, but I wouldn’t think that possible. The romantics say it was because he feared my death. It might be fitting for me to be his cause of death. I feel enough guilt for it.

Highbluff’s towers seem to be watching, and the proximity to Tomas as I walk in this mournful procession down the dock makes me sick. The comfort of being in his arms like when he found me after my confrontation with Urian—that’s all I want. But even that seems like a betrayal.

I spend most of the voyage wrapped in blankets, the building dread settling an icy cold deep into my bones. I worry what Urian will be like. My guess: even worse than before. Though mourning could soften him.

This was a terrible idea. How can I possibly face him?

Father offers comfort and solace. Mother brings joko. She comes into my cabin wrapped in a knit sweater and drops the pouch of white stones into my lap. My first thought is to refuse, but what else do I have to do? I levitate the board so the rocking of the ship doesn’t affect it, and we begin. The only sound is the tapping of stones placed on the board. It’s soothing, actually.

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