Page 84 of Pieces of Us

‘I was going to tell you,’ I all but whisper.

‘I know, baby.’ He sighs in frustration. I’m not sure if he’s frustrated at me or him. ‘I was impatient to see you, so I thought it was harmless to just take a peek. Then you started speaking.’

Droplets fall from my eyes in anguish over one, the relief that he knows, and two, the heartbreak that is to come.

My palms start sweating as I try to remember every specific detail I shared. I guess it doesn’t matter because it’s recorded, but even then, I can’t take back what I revealed.

‘I have to go.’ I am humiliated, ashamed and guilty.

‘No, baby. We need to talk,’ he begs. His voice is so soft and tender. I can’t bear the pity.

He tries to take my hand again, but I snatch it away and start pulling at my hair. I don’t know how I’m supposed to escape when I have no car and can’t seem to remember how to use my phone.

Giving up on being Houdini, I slump forward. Feeling his palm caress my back, I break down, the tears finally falling. My hands go to my face to furiously swipe at them, but it’s no use. My body needs this release. I completely lose all the fight in me when he engulfs me in a hug, letting me cry into his chest. There’s snot everywhere, and I’m gulping in harsh breaths. I’m a mess, but he doesn’t care. He just holds me, trying to give me the remains of his own strength.

When I’ve gained some sort of semblance of normality, I pry myself away enough to have this conversation with him.

‘How much did you hear?’ I croak out.

‘Everything.’

I close my eyes at his admission, knowing he’s heard the atrocious things I did and how I abysmally and directly blamed him—still blame him, to an extent. If I recall, I told Jas he was still my biggest trigger.

‘Was it all true?’ he quietly asks.

There’s no point sugarcoating it. I nod.

‘I need to know why you never told me the extent of your body issues.’

I quirk an eyebrow. ‘Why does it matter?’

‘It matters because before you were my girlfriend. My everything. You were my best friend. I should have known…and I guess, to some degree, I did, but I honest to God thought that it was just normal for girls to have those sorts of hang-ups.’

He drops his head in remorse.

‘What’s killing me is that you thought I felt that way about you, that I didn’t do enough to convince you that everything about you was perfect. Amity, baby, when I overheard you tell Jas what you thought the reason I chose…her over you was, I wanted to die. And the rumours and the taunts? Jesus, Hart, I want to kill every single person who made you feel less than transcendent, because that’s what you are to me.’ I can feel the anguish in his voice.

‘I didn’t know any of that at the time.’

‘I know it doesn’t hurt any less that I chose her over you, but I thought you were seriously done with me when you caught me with her. I didn’t think there was any redemption, so I chose to stay with her, knowing you wouldn’t want to reconcile or give me a chance. Plus, I was stupid and blindsided by her perceived friendship. It had nothing to do with your body.’

I don’t want to rehash that side of the past, so I remain silent.

‘Did…did…I not show you enough how much I loved every part of you? I thought I worshipped your body, but somewhere I went wrong?’ He’s trying to make sense of a nonsensical situation.

‘It’s okay, Linc.’ I try to control his racing thoughts.

‘No, Hart. Baby, it’s not.’ He snaps his fingers. ‘You said stuff about lingering looks, porn and me wanting you to change your clothes.’ He snaps his fingers again before clutching both my hands in his. ‘I knew Billie had somewhat of a crush on me, so every time I looked at her, it was half in dread that she would get between us. I never knew if she would spill all those lies we shared—which I wish I could take back. And…and…me wanting you to wear clothes that fit you was because I practically drooled over your body. I wanted to see it all the time, even if it was hidden beneath clothes. And, oh yeah, staring at what other girls wore? I was just baffled that their parents would let them go out like that at their age.’

‘What about the porn?’

‘If you looked beyond their bodies, you’d see they were the spitting image of your face. I didn’t have much video evidence for the spank bank of you, so I looked up women who looked like you.’

Oh. My face flames at that sweet admission.

‘I didn’t know…’I trail off.

‘I don’t want to berate you, but you didn’t trust me enough to be open with me.’

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