Page 51 of Pieces of Us

‘Hart. Baby.’ He tries to elicit a reaction out of me again, but my voice has lost all ability to communicate.

‘I am so sorry.’ He breaks. His head drops to my knees as he weeps. When the weeping turns into uncontrollable sobs, I look down to see the darkening pools on my overalls as his tears wet my thighs.

Looking to my left, I see the glass pane hasn’t been frosted over, and Uncle Jacob is peering in. I give him a nod to signal I’m okay, and he leaves, giving us our privacy.

The lifelessness I feel is like when I was at my lowest and I overdosed on weight loss injections.

His blubber fades into ragged breaths. After God knows how long, he sits up, facing me but not letting go of my hands.

I continue to stare through him. I’m looking at him, but not really. My hands are limp in his as he caresses my skin with his thumb.

‘Hart. There’s no baby.’ This jolts my consciousness back into my body as my eyes flicker to his. He swallows, dropping his head to get his own words out. ‘There was a baby, but she had an early miscarriage. No one in the world knew except us before today.’

‘When?’ I whisper, my core clenching in sickness.

‘Like six months after high school, or somewhere around there. I can’t remember.’ His voice croaks as he clears it.

‘How far along?’

I can’t believe I’m asking these questions, but I need to know every detail if I’m going to survive.

‘Seven weeks, maybe? I don’t how that shit works, but it was like she just had a normal period. Honestly, it was a positive test and then it wasn’t. Apparently it’s super common, like one in four.’

I want to say I’m sorry, but I’m not a good person—or at least, I’m not at this moment.

I don’t care.

I feel horrific for even thinking it, but honestly, the baby has, like he said, nothing to do with me. I have no feelings about if it had lived or not.

I’m numb because he got someone else pregnant.

He had yet another first with her.

Whenever he gets a second chance at a kid, it will be just that. His second time round.

He won’t have the joy of finding out for the first time, or seeing the pregnancy test for the first time. He won’t have the first time feeling or emotions when it happens again.

I nod mutely.

‘I felt nothing when she told me. I had no connection…until that chance was stolen away from me. For the three weeks I knew about the pregnancy, I hated me, her, it. I felt like she was trapping me, even though we’d been a couple for so long. I knew that if we had a baby together, you’d never give me a chance ever again. We’d be over for good. I…I…prayed for something to happen. When it did, I was inconsolable. It wasn’t the baby’s fault. I did want the baby…I just never wanted it with her.’ Water drips from his ducts. I’ve never seen him at his lowest, and this is it. It’s hard to not feel compassion, so I give him the only thing I can. I squeeze his hand to let him know I’m here.

‘You lied.’ My voice trembles.

He shakes his head. ‘No. I never told you. There’s a difference.’

‘I’m not talking about the baby. Like you said, it’s got nothing to do with me. You lied about your virginity. You gave her another one of your firsts. Your first baby. Your virginity. Your first kiss. Probably your first anal experience. Probably even your first “I love you”. Fuck, I wouldn’t even know any other firsts you’ve had, but what I am sure of is that none of them were with me.’

Am I a bitch for making it about myself? Probably.

‘I don’t care about any of the firsts. Only the lasts.’

Doesn’t change a damn thing.

‘Lying by omission is still lying. What’s done is done. I gave you a chance earlier to come clean and you didn’t. The trust between us is in shreds.’

‘That’s not true.’

‘How is it not?’ I blast, taking my hands back and pinching the bridge of my nose. ‘I can’t keep going around on this carousel with you. It’s making me dizzy. Every time I don’t think I can feel destroyed, you go and blow up my life again.’

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