Page 112 of Pieces of Us

‘Linc…’ she starts, but I don’t let her finish. I’ve paid for my sins. I’ve laid my heart out for her. I’ve made huge changes in my life and promised her every part of me. I’ve given her my all. At what point do I actually get a say in our future? Why does she get to decide it all?

‘I heard you and your mum. Just then,’ I interject. At least Crystal has the gall to look a little sheepish. Amity opens and closes her mouth but nothing comes out. ‘Let me recap what I heard.’ I start ticking things off my fingers, listing each one of the hurt-stabbing confessions. ‘We’re not serious. We’re going slow. But we’re monogamous so I guess that’s a tick in our favour. You have no idea if we’ll even end up together. You still don’t trust me. My protectiveness is annoying and suffocating. And last but not least, you think I make you weak. God Amity, what do I have to do to prove to you that you’re the love of my life? That my stupid juvenile mistakes don’t make me who I am? That I’ve changed and have promised you pretty much the world?’ I take a short breath as I spew everything I’ve been wanting to say. ‘I visited you in LA. You came here. We text and talk all day long. We spend every minute together that we can. Why isn’t it enough? Why aren’t I enough?’ My voice cracks.

‘That was a private conversation,’ she stumbles, partially embarrassed and partially pissed off. Uncle Mark shakes his head, but not at me this time, at his own daughter. It doesn’t matter that it was private. She still said it. She wasn’t honest with me.

My mouth is turned down. ‘Amity, I love you so much. I don’t want to be casual. I’ve never wanted to be casual. I only agreed because that’s what you wanted. I can’t erase my past. I don’t know how to get you to trust me or want me, like I want you. I don’t know how I get you to see that I want us forever.’ Tears glisten in her eyes as I profess my love to our entire family. ‘I don’t know what you want. I don’t know what more I can do.’

Dad cups my shoulder in solidarity.

‘I don’t know,’ Amity cries. ‘I’m scared.’ It’s a bullshit cop out excuse, and somehow it makes me angrier.

‘I-I…can’t do this right now.’ I’ve lost the plot. I’m well aware.

‘Please don’t go,’ she pleads, her mum holding her up for support.

‘I can’t, Hart. You’re breaking mine. I can’t be here,’ I croak. ‘I need a moment. Me leaving doesn’t mean I don’t love you with everything inside my body, but I can’t be here, right now.’

Her sobs get louder.

I wave my hand in everyone’s direction and bolt out of the house. I don’t even have shoes on, but I’ve got my car keys and that’s enough.

As I tear away from Dad’s driveway, I feel crushed but also relieved. There’s no hiding from our inevitable conversation anymore.

Chapter 39

A Line In The Sand

Amity

When I hear the tyres screech away, I feel shame and humiliation. I know he’s gone, but that doesn’t stop me from running to the door to make sure. I slump against the door, cursing myself for not stopping Lincoln from leaving.

I don’t know why I was taken aback by his questioning. It’s not like he hasn’t tried to discuss this with me before. I evaded and skirted around the topic every single time, distracting him with sex instead.

It’s not that I don’t want to be with him. Or that I don’t love him. And I do know that we’re forever. I don’t know why I said all that stuff to Mum. I guess I was put on the spot and felt pressured. I knew Mum wasn’t fully on board with me getting back with Lincoln, but that was because she missed our whole lives together. She’s only really ever heard the bad.

Seeing the hurt on Linc’s face was devastating.

I don’t blame him for leaving after what he heard.

Everything he said was true.

I’m a coward.

It was my fault I didn’t tell him he was making me nervous when he monitored my eating patterns. I could have articulated it in such a different way to Mum, but again, my mouth ran away from me.

And God, I do trust him. I swear I do.

I’ve truly forgiven him for our past, and I know how goddamn hard he has been trying.

How and why didn’t I reassure him enough? Why didn’t I tell him I wanted him? Wanted us?

He does make me weak, but that’s a beautiful thing, because when I feel vulnerable, I know without a doubt that he is my strength.

After I stop sobbing, I pull myself together and tell him to come back. He doesn’t respond, so I try calling, but again it rings out.

‘Sweetheart, let’s go for a walk,’ Uncle Jacob approaches me with a tissue for my sniffles. Everyone seems to have vanished, which is slightly less mortifying. With a Rudolph red nose, I oblige and take his hand. Kissing the top of my head, he walks me outside and we take a leisurely walk around the garden. There is a slight breeze, which cools my wet tears.

‘Sweetheart. What are you feeling?’ We take a seat underneath one of the palm trees and I immediately start picking at blades of grass.

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