Page 73 of Trapped: Until The Darkest Of Night

“That’s disgusting!”

“No—it’s natural.” I go to the bucket by the fireplace and pull out the jar of soft soap I usually use for the laundry. “Come on!” I nod in Lou’s direction. “Let’s go to the lake.”

“What about the towels?”

“We can wash them together with the other laundry.”

I start walking and the faint ding-ding-ding tells me she’s following. She catches up at the spruce tree line. The dry wood cracks under our feet, a startled sable leaps away, and above us, a few finches chirp in the last specks of light.

When we reach the lakeshore, Lou naturally hands me Grey. I sit down on the fallen log on the bank and place him on my lap. I carefully stroke his fur and watch Lou pull a corner of the cloth through the lake and then rub the paste-like soap on it. Her golden hair shimmers in the low sun. Now that it’s shorter and missing the bright tips, it’s a mix of cinnamon and flax. I drown in this sight. Lou, kneeling in front of the lake in her capri jeans and white blouse, gently gliding the cloth through the water. The waterfall gurgles and fills the place with a calm vitality.

I feel an unfamiliar stillness inside me. It has nothing to do with the peace of this place. It’s like I’m standing in the eye of a tornado, like the world could end next to me and I wouldn’t mind. The reason for this is Lou. Lou is like coming home.

She is much more than the Alaskan girl or the sun girl. Now it seems silly to me that I ever called her that. Did I truly once believe that I knew her? I didn’t know then how caring she could be. She even helps her worst enemy when in need. I thought everything would be easy for her, but I didn’t know about her bravery.

As Grey licks my fingers, he snaps me out of my wandering thoughts. He’s not hungry again, is he? I suppress a grin and play with him a bit, letting him bite my index finger with his baby teeth, only to pull my hand back.

“If he puts on enough weight, we can change his diet soon,” I say and scratch his ears when he’s had enough of playing. “Typically, parents start feeding pups regurgitated meat after eight to ten weeks.”

Lou pauses in her work and looks back over her shoulder, frowning. “If you think I’m chewing up rabbits for Grey, you’re mistaken,” she says firmly. “Feel free to do that yourself.”

“Maybe!” I reach out to stretch my arms and fish out the cigarettes from the breast pocket of my linen shirt. I look at Lou against the light. She hasn’t turned back, but is looking straight at me. Her face is shadowed and the sun is shining on her hair from behind. Her eyes shimmer like two drops of blue oil. There’s something in her eyes, but it’s not disgust. It is gentle and calm, maybe even curious. A shiver runs through me and makes my heart flutter. In that moment, I know I would do anything for her. Everything except one thing: let her go. I believe more and more that it could work with us. And more and more I want to know who Lou really is.

For a split second, I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t kidnapped her. Would we have explored Sequoia National Park together and decided to spend the summer side by side? Could it have been more? Would I have met the Lou she used to be? Have I lost that Lou forever?

Why have I never asked myself all these questions?

I put the cigarette in my mouth without taking my eyes off Lou and carefully retrieve my lighter from the top pocket of my cargo pants. Grey doesn’t mind and continues to relax on my lap.

Of course, I know the answer: because my flashes would have ruined everything anyway. It would never have worked. If it hadn’t worked out in Ash Springs, why in Lodgepole or anywhere else? I’m sick, a normal life is out of the question for me. Groups of people scare me and every smell can be a trigger. The way I’m sitting here now, I can hardly imagine it. For the first time in ages, I think I feel like a normal person should feel. Real. Genuine. I have real feelings. I can laugh, be happy, get angry about small things. I can grin and scoff. I’m no longer the ghost that used to roam the winter in solitude, not knowing if it’s already a part of the wilderness or not.

And I owe it all to the girl I kidnapped.

Her gaze, which has been fixed on my face this whole time, wanders down to my fingers.

“What are you going to do when you run out of cigarettes?” she suddenly asks out of the blue. “Or a way to light a fire?”

I smile even though I’m suspicious. I don’t think her interest has anything to do with my needs as we haven’t gotten that far yet. “I can also make fire using two stones, don’t worry,” I explain. “But I do have enough spare gas with me. As for the cigarettes…” I stare at her until she looks away and goes back to studying the cloth. “Shouldn’t your question be: When will you have to go to a supermarket again?” I light the cig. Normally, her feigned interest would have infuriated me, but today nothing can faze me.

Lou is silent and I watch as the smoke blowing in her direction envelops her.

“It’s not good for Grey,” she says dismissively, waving the smoke away with one hand.

“He won’t get lung cancer,” I reply nonchalantly. “Wolves don’t get that old.”

Lou carefully pulls the cloth across the lake and the splashing joins that of the waterfall.

“So, when will you have to go to the supermarket again?” she asks casually after a while.

I happily puff on the cigarette. “Not at all if I put my mind to it.”

“What?”

The subtle horrific undertone in what somewhat annoys me now. “We have meat and wild herbs. Spruce needles for tea. There are also raspberries, blueberries, and rosehips,” I say, pointing toward the forest. “Not far from here is a wild meadow with edible berries you’ve probably never heard of. In winter, we don’t need a freezer for the meat as it’s cold enough to store outside. Incidentally, you can even eat the bast layer of many trees, which is basically the moist layer between the wood and the bark. Did you know that?”

Lou swallows. “What about toilet paper, pads, and soap?” she asks faintly.

“You can use fabric and nature instead. In the past, people made do without such luxuries.”

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