Page 124 of Trapped: Until The Darkest Of Night

“Time to go home, Lou,” I whisper to her. “It’s time…to go home.”

I turn on the generator and put on coffee. Maybe it’s the noise that wakes Lou up, in any case, she stretches like a cat after a long nap. And as much as I wish she would roll over and go back to sleep, at the same time, I’m glad it’ll be over soon.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” I say as she sits up and I put the last of the pancakes in the toaster.

“Hey.” Her voice sounds hoarse. She feels her neck carefully, but stops as soon as I look at her.

“What time is it?” she asks, diverting attention so I don’t feel so bad.

“Afternoon.”

Lou scrambles off the bed and approaches me in her wrinkled jeans and heavy sweater. Her expression is serious and tranquil as she looks at me. I hug her without saying a word. Her body is soft and tender and utterly exhausted, fitting seamlessly with mine like a missing puzzle piece. Suddenly, everything is there again. Last night, the feeling of belonging together and being able to get through anything together.

What would have become of us if I hadn’t kidnapped her? Burning regret shoots through my heart as I realize how much easier it could have been.

You know I wouldn’t have said no, Lou said to me once, but now it’s too late.

I will never know how it would have been or if my flashes would have ruined everything.

Lou hugs me and I think about that stupid teddy bear mobile.

Mother, father, child.

It’s all over, but it feels like it’s only the beginning. An insane thought makes me realize that Lou and I would never have bonded this deeply if we had met in a normal situation. Lou would never have been who she is today and I probably never would have gotten my memories back. So, what is better for Lou? Is the new, quiet, more serious Lou happier than the carefree one? I know no one can ever answer that question for me. I don’t even have the right to ask. Maybe I don’t want the answer or there isn’t one.

I bend down to her and inhale her scent. No longer Nivea lemon, but firewood, smoke, and forest. Yukon.

When the coffee machine stops dripping, we let go at the same time. I lift Lou’s head a little to get a closer look at the bruises on her neck. Silently, I curse myself again. If I had any remaining doubts, the sight of my red fingerprints on her throat silence them for good. Lou notices my distress even if I don’t say anything and she quickly disappears into the bathroom.

When she comes out, she’s wearing fresh jeans and a yellow scarf with tiny colorful hearts. With a dark feeling in my chest, I notice she’s wearing the white blouse she wore to the campground.

I force a smile on my face and point to the table I set in her absence. “Sit.”

As I turn off the generator, Lou slides onto the bench. She looks around with a frown. “Why are the curtains drawn?”

“I wanted you to sleep as long as possible. It was, after all, light outside when we went to bed.” It’s damn hard to lie to her. I can’t maintain eye contact and stare at the pattern on the curtains. “Besides, I somehow found it more romantic,” I quickly add.

“Want to stay in here with me for the rest of today?” she teases.

I play along. “I can think of a few things I’d like to do with you…” I try to joke, winking at her.

Lou winks back, puts her head in her hands, and stares at the dishes like there’s nothing more interesting in the world. Can she feel my restlessness? I can’t tell, maybe I’m acting differently.

Suddenly, she straightens up and looks around. “Where’s Grey?” she asks, alarmed.

Deliberately calm, I pour coffee into two mugs, place them on the table in front of Lou, and arrange the pancakes on top of each other. “He’s in the passenger seat. Best leave him alone, he’s been puking all morning.”

“He threw up? Is he sick?”

I sit next to her on the bench. “Don’t worry. He probably ate something rotten in the forest. I’ll have to give him meat soon before he starts eating half-decayed carcasses.”

Lou appears relieved and smiles at me so sweetly it hurts. “I remember that vomit thing. But I won’t do that! You’re welcome to do it.” How her eyes sparkle, despite her exhaustion. She leans into me and I swallow several times in a row. It won’t be long and I’ll be sitting here alone like before. Then she’ll be gone and I’ll never be able to touch her again, never see her smile again. Cold creeps through my veins. I push the last thought away. I don’t want to think about it when she’s still so close to me.

“You haven’t slept at all,” she says all of a sudden, and I feel her scrutinizing sideways glance. “If you’ve been wiping away wolf puke all morning, you can’t have slept.”

“Yes, that’s right,” I admit. I must tell her. I’m sure she senses that something is off. It would be unfair to keep it from her any longer. I gesture with my chin at the pancakes and lemon cookies I bought at Walmart back then. “Eat something, please, Lou. You need to get your strength back.”

She smiles again, a real Lou smile, just a little wearier after last night. “Then you have to eat, too.”

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