Page 77 of Trapped: Until The Darkest Of Night

I close my eyes for a moment. “Good idea, but it doesn’t work.” I lift my head and smile at her. It feels like a spasm in the jaw, like biting into a lemon. “If I were to hear my voice naming these things for what they were, then it’d be…” I shake my head defensively, not wanting to continue but something inside me is forcing it out. “…like raping myself…like I’d break all my bones…crush myself until there’s nothing left but a pile of ashes and dust… I’d be completely lost afterward.” I pause, shocked at my unembellished words. I shake my head with a dull feeling in my stomach. How does Lou get me to say things I hardly think about?

For a long while I dare not look her way as if what I said was shameful. A weakness. I am ashamed. Of myself, of the world, of every single person. But this kind of shame is difficult to explain. With a deep breath, I also close my other hand around the beer can and cling to it with all my might. I’m ashamed that I was too weak to fight back, I’m ashamed of wetting my pants, the stench, the dirt and my cowardice. I’m ashamed of Jordan Price and myself for looking for food in the trash. I am ashamed for being nothing. And I’m ashamed that my parents let me down, that I’m not worth loving. And even if my mind understands that it was not my fault, my feelings say otherwise. Weakling. Little shit. Bastard. The words circle like blowflies in my mind, always.

“You said you’d be completely lost afterward,” I hear Lou say quietly, “so who are you now? Who are you, Brendan?”

I lift my head. She sits there as before, stroking Grey’s fluffy fur. Her gaze rests on my face, shy but open.

For a moment, I consider her question, glad for the distraction.

“I’m someone who knows my strengths as well as my weaknesses,” I reply. At least that’s how I thought of myself until recently, but now I don’t know where the tightrope is taking me.

“So, what are your strengths?” she asks. “If you could name only three, what would they be?”

“Determination, control, strength.” I know for sure.

“And what are your weaknesses?”

I’ll think about it. “The opposite of them.” It’s more of a question.

Lou tilts her head. “Something like: indecisiveness, impotence, inferiority?”

I nod tentatively, not knowing what she’s getting at yet.

“I guess you don’t know how my brothers characterized me since I didn’t post any of it on Facebook.”

A smile creeps onto my face, mocking and disarming at the same time.

Lou ignores it. “Ethan says I’m shallow, useless, and difficult.” She pauses as if I need time to sort through her words. “Jayden says I’m fun-loving, emotional, and insecure. It’s all the same. It’s just kind of light and dark sides of one and the same character trait.”

I can’t help but think of Lou’s pictures on Facebook. My sun girl in the light. A bit naive, but fun-loving. Everything’s kind of easy for you, Lou, isn’t it?

I peer thoughtfully into the flames. Two flames encompass a log as if to embrace it. I recall what went through my head the other night. My theory about light and darkness and that the light cannot win. “Maybe you’re right,” I reply. “But the shadows are always stronger. As soon as you light a candle to chase them away, you give them new fuel. As if every glimmer of hope angers them…” There’s still so much hate inside me. So much fear. At the moment, it seems to me that no one could ever illuminate my darkness. Not even Lou. “Isn’t it funny how what’s supposed to help you really shows you how weak you are?” I ask softly.

“Maybe the shadows are not stronger,” Lou replies after a moment’s thought. “Perhaps you can only see them better with the light. And what you see simply scares you. So you don’t look. Maybe that’s exactly what you should do.”

An image comes to mind. Lou opens the door to the dark room and behind the crack stands the little boy. The more light falls within me, the more clearly I can see him. I feel more real, but it makes me vulnerable. And I’d like to keep the bolt locked forever.

As I smile at Lou, I feel a guilt that makes my heart heavy. “When you say that, it sounds so simple. That’s exactly why I wanted you, Lou. You are like the light. Like a sun. You always looked so radiant in your photos as if life was easy. As if it could be easy, even for me. It seemed as if you wanted to demand everything from life without thinking of limits. You looked like you expected only the best out of life.”

I don’t know why I’m telling her this. Maybe because this girl finally deserves the truth. I was so obsessed with her at the time. To be honest, I didn’t want to know who she was at all even though I may have convinced myself that I did. It should be like in the photos. That’s the main reason I bought all the things. I wanted that feeling. I figured if she was here with me, it might rub off on me. Today, it seems insane to me that I ever thought that way.

Maybe it was a mistake to tell her, she probably wants to go back in right now, but when I look at her, she looks back.

“Did you figure that out from my photos?” She seems genuinely surprised.

“And from what you wrote.”

“Then I truly was the perfect victim. I expected the best from you, too.” She laughs bitterly.

The sound cuts into my gut. “I’m sorry. I certainly didn’t want to take advantage of that… You are”—I falter, unable to think of anything original—“simply…extraordinary.” Fantastic!

Lou seems to like it anyway. Her eyes are the deepest blue I’ve ever seen. “No one has ever called me that.”

“That surprises me.” I shake my head in disbelief. “I mean, you never met your mother and you lost your father early—sorry, yes, I know all that.” I grin apologetically, and for the first time, it seems as if an inner smile echoes on her face. “Another would have complained about their hard fate of losing both parents,” I continue and become serious again. “They would have used this as an excuse for any possible kind of failure, but you don’t.” And I’m only realizing all of this now that I’m telling her since I only wanted to see the fantasy image of her before.

Lou shrugs. “I have my brothers. They are my family. I’ve never wanted for anything.”

“Yes, because you see it that way. The loss of your parents never discouraged you from living. You never missed anything.”

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