Page 54 of Trapped: Until The Darkest Of Night

Okay, good too. I dig out the storm lighter and the cigarettes. I won’t let her spoil my good mood. Everything I want is here—I simply have to wait for Lou to stop resisting.

You are a bastard!

I know!

A few wolves begin to howl, deep, melancholy sounds penetrating the forest. It’s not howling they use to locate themselves or demarcate their territory, but a call for lost conspecifics, to keep the family together. Like an acoustic beacon. It must be a pack of at least eight animals. Maybe it’s even the group I saw on Quiet Lake in the winter. The howling grows darker, a little eerie.

Does it scare Lou?

I watch her as she peers into the darkness. The fire dyes her hair a red, sparkling gold. With her blue eyes, pale cheeks, and slim shoulders, she seems like a mysterious wood elf to me. She looks more grown up, I think. Maybe because she’s lost so much weight.

“Why me?” she suddenly whispers.

Ah, so you can talk! I suppress a triumphant smile and hold her gaze. “Why not you?” I ask in return and inhale the cigarette smoke deeply into my lungs.

“You said you should have kidnapped another girl, right? So, I wasn’t the only one you were considering? Did you have a list or something?”

So that’s what is bothering her. I let the smoke out of my mouth. “I think you misunderstood.”

Lou pulls her hands back as if she needs all the attention for the conversation now. “What is there to misunderstand?” she asks dismissively. “You stalked a few different girls and you finally picked me.”

“I checked out a few different girls, but I never planned to kidnap one. Until I found you.” I didn’t phrase it quite correctly. I can’t help but wonder if that wasn’t more true. Was it my wish from the start to bring Lou to the Yukon? Subconsciously? Would I have kidnapped her if she hadn’t logged off? Sooner or later, maybe her posts would not have been enough for me. Somehow, that time is hidden in an impenetrable fog. As if I hadn’t experienced it, but a different Bren had.

When I emerge from my thoughts, I notice how confused she looks at me. She shakes her head uncomprehendingly. “Found? Where did you find me?”

Oh, Lou…

“You’ll have to figure that out for yourself. It’s actually not too hard, if you think it through…” It’s hard to believe that she doesn’t have a clue, but I want her to figure it out on her own. Besides, I don’t feel like explaining it to her. She’ll think I’m even more deranged than I am. “Anyway…” I lean back and there’s another tug on the chain. “There was never another option besides you. I saw you and wanted you. I was willing to do whatever had to be done. Anything.” I pause and stare penetratingly into her wide eyes. “I know that sounds ridiculous, heartless, and frightening. And I’m not going to try and convince you that I’m a good person or anything.” I look away and stare into the bright glow of the fire. “Because I’m not.”

I say it out loud.

I’m not a good person.

That is what I was taught.

Too bad you don’t want to find out who you truly are.

The sentence wanders through my thoughts as if it had been detached from my memory. Maybe telling Lou all this is wrong, but then again, she needs to finally trust me completely, and that includes the truth.

I wipe my forehead, which is hot from the heat of the fire. “I simply want you to understand why I had to do it.”

“Well, I don’t!” she spits at me.

Sure, Lou. I wouldn’t understand it either. Some random psychopath comes along, lures you into his RV, and takes you with him. And now he even explains why and wants you to understand. That is sick. That’s truly sick.

The louder my inner voice gets, the more I want her to at least understand why I need her. I think of the little boy who suffers over and over again. I’d love to tell her about him, but I can’t.

Silence flickers between us, dense and unapproachable like fire, wailing like the howling of wolves.

Lou is still sitting on the edge of the chair, her hair like golden fire in front of her face so that all I can see is the tip of her nose.

I scoot forward a little to get a better look. “When you concentrate on your heartbeat, what do you feel?” I ask.

“My heart, what else?”

“Just try it.” I curl up the corners of my mouth in a tight smile, ignoring her frosty tone.

“I don’t want to.”

---