Page 14 of Trapped: Until The Darkest Of Night

He looks at me suspiciously. A look that doesn’t match his soft features, never has. “No one here gives up their cash.”

“I have plenty of money, remember?” I take a step toward him and he immediately backs away.

“You burned through it in three years and now came to collect debts? Damn, where have you been anyway? At first, I thought Price’s brothers…but word would have gotten around…”

“I’m not coming back. I just want you to get me a few things.”

“You’re not coming for the fucking cash and you aren’t coming to settle things with Price once and for all?”

“No.” I shake my head. “There is nothing to settle. But I need… I need things that you can get easier than I can right now.”

“And then my debt is paid?” Ramon raises his eyebrows.

I could scream. I hate this fuss about debt and payment. As if that would make anything better. How much would my stepfather have to pay to redeem his debt to me? First, what would he have to pay me with? Money, blood, or life? Some debts can never be repaid. Like with me and Jordan. And even if his brothers killed me, the guilt would be just another passenger in my grave on the way to hell.

“You don’t owe me anything,” I blurt out impatiently. “I already told you then.” I want to shake him. “You needed money, I gave it to you. Consider it a gift.”

Ramon smiles timidly and his tense posture relaxes. “What do you need?”

I dig out the list from my pocket that I wrote on the way and hand it to him. “It’s all on there.”

He frantically unfolds the paper and wipes his dripping nose with his forearm. He looks sick, sicker than a mere cold. “Chloroform, knockout drops, atropine…sleeping pills. Dimenhydrinate? Knockout gas?” Somewhere in the distance, a dog barks. “I don’t want to know what for, do I?”

“No, you don’t.” I point to the paper. “I need the stuff undiluted; it has to be absolutely pure. I don’t want any messed-up shit, okay?”

Ramon nods. “Chloro and the gas…that’s gonna take a while. I can get the other stuff pretty easily.”

“How long do you think until you have the chloro?”

Ramon shrugs. “A week or two, maybe three.”

“That’s alright. If you make it sooner, I’ll pay you an additional thousand dollars.” I’m in no hurry. It’s still a while until June 25th, but I think he needs money. I want him to have it, that way he won’t bug me for more. He’s done so much for me, he deserves it. Lost in thought, I look at the renovated house and imagine how he had smashed the window with bandaged fists to get in. The monster had been out shopping. A couple of Bones had stood guard while he was searching for old documents of mine in the apartment.

“Are you on crystal or what?” I hear him asking.

I mentally tear myself away and turn around again. “Because of the narcotics?”

“Because of the narcotics, because of the narcotics,” he mimics in an affected manner, then his voice drops. “Fucking shit, I’m not talking about your drug list. Have you looked in the mirror recently?”

I know what I look like: hollow cheeks, furtive gaze and stunted facial expressions. “I’ve been alone for a long time,” is all I say.

Yes, I have been alone for a long time, but that is going to change. Everything is going to change with Lou and that’s the only reason I’m here. Have come back, as Ramon says. For a moment, I think of her silky blonde hair sparkling in the evening light and I immediately feel better. Like a thousand tons fell off my shoulders, like none of this meant anything. It’s merely a tiny step I have to take to reach my goal.

“Where have you been, Bren?”

“Far away.”

“Where?”

“Better you don’t know.”

“And why are we meeting on this very street, in front of this house? Bren, are you listening to me?”

Yes, why here? I didn’t have a flashback, it’s a miracle. Did I want to prove to myself that I could face my past without a flash? But then I realize I will never be able to control these seizures. Situations that seem harmless catapult me back, while moments when I do expect them, nothing happens. But I knew that anyway, didn’t I? So why am I really here?

The monster is gone, long gone. I’ll never find another way to take revenge for all those years.

I walk toward the house step by step, feeling the warm wind on my face like tender fingers caressing it. I will trap Lou the way I was trapped behind these walls.

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