Page 12 of Trapped: Until The Darkest Of Night

Something in my chest tightens. No, I can’t be loved, I can’t even be liked. I clench my hands in sheer desperation. I can’t find a way to get closer to Lou. Unless, of course…yes, unless I actually bring her to the Yukon.

But she would never willingly come here with me. She already hates Ash Springs, how boring would the wilderness seem to her? Besides, I can’t just take her against her will, can I?

Yes, of course you can, a voice deep inside me whispers. The thought of having her with me showers me with a sweet stream of happiness and trepidation.

But kidnaping Lou against her will would mean consciously luring her away from her brothers and her home. Can I really do this?

I listen to my intuition. My conscience suddenly falls silent. Reason is silent. Instead, the images come back: Lou turning and laughing in the light of the campfire. Dancing flames breaking on her face like liquid gold. My heart starts beating like it did weeks ago when I first saw her. Is this fear or joy?

Taking a deep breath, I sit in front of the laptop again. Everything will be fine, calm down! 404 Not found has no power over you. I’ll just take Lou with me.

But can I really keep her here against her will? And how do I get her into the RV voluntarily? How am I supposed to do that? Instinctively, I bite my torn knuckle, tasting the metallic note of the blood. I want to see her laugh! She shouldn’t suffer. However, she will hardly be convinced of my plan with words.

Hey, Lou, get in, we’re going to the Yukon!

Really, now? For how long?

Well, forever of course. Do you want to?

No, words will not suffice. But what other options do I have?

As hard as I think about it, I just can’t come up with anything. I definitely don’t want to hurt her, yet it may be necessary to achieve my goal. It’s a compromise I’ll have to make.

I close my eyes and see Lou in front of me. She smiles at me. A pleasant shiver runs down my spine and fireworks of longing, desire, and wild excitement explode in my stomach. I stare again at the photo in which she looks so wildly alluring. I tap my fingertips gently against Lou’s face, feeling that tightness in my chest again and the heat blisters on my skin. “You’ll be mine soon, little sun girl. Forever and ever you’ll belong to me.”

The day goes by without me noticing. It’s like after a particularly tough fight, everything seems quieter as if the volume had been turned down. I’m swimming in a rush of sweet, pure adrenaline.

Not once do I question my decision. Something inside me has snapped like a bolt that was pushed and is now stuck.

I’ll get Lou. This decision comes as a bit of a shock, still, the feeling of being in a daze, the delirium, the thought of doing the right thing for me prevails.

Suddenly, I have so much to do, I feel like I’m on speed. I make lists and jot down everything I know about Lou. She likes citrus blossom body wash, melon gum, and lemon cookies from Cypress. Chocolate donuts, spaghetti, pine nuts, and sundried tomatoes. I go through the pictures in my folder and note down what she’s wearing in them and, if she posted it, the brand. In the snapshot of her in the bathroom, I spot soap: Wild Ocean Dream. It, too, goes on my list.

I want Lou just like she’s in the pictures and videos that made me so happy for such a long time. She should look, smell, laugh, and dance exactly as I imagine. Also, she will feel more comfortable if things around her are identical to home. Maybe then she won’t hate me so much. I quickly push that last thought aside. I don’t want to think about everything that immediately follows. There are feelings inside me I don’t want to feel, truths I don’t want to face. And yet they are anchored in me, deep in my soul, uncannily like the echo of a sonar in the valleys of the sea. Getting rid of them is impossible.

Maybe Lou will even fall in love with me.

Monster!

The pen breaks under the pressure of my fingers. There’s something sick and perverse about the idea, even I know that. But the boy from before knows better than that. He was so lonely that he was even willing to love the monster that tormented him.

I don’t want to be a monster; I just want Lou to be with me. That’s all.

The next morning, I leave the place that has been my home in the summer for the past three years. For the first time in a long time, I have a goal besides getting through the day as quickly as possible. I’m driving back to L.A., the city I grew up in.

Last night, I searched the web for Lou a few more times, but the result was always the same: 404 Not found. Below it a list of all possible Louisas, but no Louisa Scriver. Regardless, even if I had found her again, my plan is made. It seems unalterable to me, just like a strong earthquake near the coast is bound to trigger a tsunami. I’ve decided to take Lou from one of the campgrounds she posted on Facebook. My mobile home won’t attract unwanted attention there. Besides, there is a lot of buzzing activity on the campsites with lots of tourists coming and going. If I’m lucky, I can blend into the crowd and remain pretty much invisible. I haven’t figured out yet exactly how to lure her into my RV, but there’s still plenty of time for that. First, I need to stock up on supplies, get clothes, and make all the necessary arrangements. I also need things for Lou that I can’t easily buy in a store. For the first time in years, I’m happy about my old contacts even if it takes an effort to go back. I’m definitely going to have flashes, but I’m ready to go through all of them. If necessary, I’ll chain myself up so I don’t hurt anyone. I have to take this risk for Lou.

As I drive down the lonely, deserted roads of the Yukon, I roll down the window and feel the wind whipping through my hair. I turn on the radio and listen to music. When was the last time I sang along to a song? Has it been a year or two? When was the last time I listened to music? I can’t recall, but it doesn’t matter, not anymore.

After a while, I stretch my arm out the window and begin to enjoy this new state. I feel free even if I don’t know exactly from what. It’s a bit as if I had died a long time ago and now I’ve risen again.

Chapter

Four

Los Angeles feels like I’m stranded in a science fiction city. It’s harder than I imagined. Colorful houses, palm trees, and cars pass me in a blur, leaving behind nothing more than a jumble of colors. And there are people everywhere. The whole city is full of them. Suddenly, my project seems impossible.

I pull up at a gas station on Sunrise Avenue and grip the steering wheel with both hands. I’m freezing cold but sweat is running down my face.

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