Page 11 of Trapped: Until The Darkest Of Night

With another groan, I sit down on the forest floor and absentmindedly reach for the silver coin on my leather bracelet, encircling it with cold fingers.

Don’t let that happen again. Don’t let me be left alone again. Even though there’s no monster left to fear, I’m afraid. Of every day that I live. Of death that I’m too much of a coward for. Of the dark. Of people. Of loneliness. Of myself. Of never again being able to watch Lou do her sun dance, spinning and laughing dreamily…

The rush of adrenaline triggered by that last thought makes me jump. I tumble madly toward the laptop that’s lying on the floor, swipe a few bugs off the vent with the back of my hand, and hammer on the enter key repeatedly because it’s taking too long. After what feels like an eternity, I can finally click the bookmark and the page reloads.

404 Not found.

I slam my palm against the keyboard, screaming in anger, but then I reflect for a moment and open Lou’s folder. I nervously click on one picture after the other and stare at them with a beating heart.

Lou in skimpy shorts with a cute pout in front of an H&M; Lou rollerblading with blowing hair, in a pink blouse with a blue-and-green cake pop; Lou in the bathroom in front of the mirror taking a funny selfie wrinkling her nose. Lou in starry flip-flops by the lettuce bed with Avery, the brother who looks most like her. Lou’s spaghetti with tomatoes and pine nuts… I’ve gone through them much too fast.

If only I had saved more pictures and not stopped one day. Then I would have something to live on. Live on until when? Maybe she’ll never sign in again. Or did she simply disable the account?

I stare at the images again: Lou’s oval face, her sweet full lips, her deep blue, round eyes that can banish the darkness around me.

From one second to the next, my veins start to burn, hot and wild. My heart is pounding against my ribs as if I felled ten fir trees. It scares me. Over and over, I try to fight something I feel absolutely powerless against. A burning, irrepressible longing, a tearing tug in my chest. I feel like I can’t go even another day without Lou. Somewhere in the back of my mind, images of her here with me appear: Lou, petite and blonde against the dark pine trees; Lou at the waterfall, laughing and splashing water around her; Lou by the campfire with bright eyes; Lou wrapped in a blanket with me in the RV; Lou coming close, so close I can wrap my hands around her tiny waist… My heart runs away with me, into the fantasies I wish I could keep at bay, but they just keep becoming more tangible, more real. My brain is full of Lou!

And as if out of nowhere, suddenly there are her words: Don’t you also dream that something will finally happen?

Something is happening to me. It’s those pictures of her in the wild. Suddenly, everything becomes clear to me:

I need Lou here with me. From one second to the next, I know this with absolute certainty: I need Lou. I don’t want to live without Lou anymore. Only with her does everything make sense. I have to bring her here, to the Yukon, so I can look at her every day. Being able to look at her will make everything alright. She doesn’t have to love me, I just need to have her near me. Only then will I be fine again. Only with her can I keep the darkness at bay.

I click on the picture of her looking at the camera almost defiantly, lips pursed. Heat prickles my skin.

Do you want to, Lou? Do you want to come to the Yukon? To me?

Her defiant gaze challenges me.

Could I do this? Could I bring her here?

A surge of pure adrenaline rushes through me at the notion. For seconds, my mind is swept empty and I am carried to a place that seems sweet and enticing. Lou and I here together! Lou in my arms…

A crash in the undergrowth pulls me out of my reverie. In the thicket, I discover a roebuck working on an aspen branch with its antlers in order to get to the young shoots.

Instantly, I feel like I’ve woken up sober after a binge. What was I thinking? How did I come up with such an absurd idea? Bring Lou here—that’s insane!

And yet… Involuntarily, I get up and pace in front of the RV. Would it really be that crazy to bring Lou to the Yukon?

It would not only be insane, it would be utterly insane! No way. But I have to see her! Every day if possible. That has never been clearer to me than now. Only if she is a part of my life will I be happy.

I could go to Ash Springs. The thought is suddenly there. I could park the RV near her home and secretly take new pictures of her via a telephoto lens.

Of course, you could just as well lie down in the Scrivers’ yard with a telephoto lens—it wouldn’t be any more conspicuous! The giant RV would be as unobtrusive in that small town as a tarantula would be in Avery’s tomato-basil spaghetti!

I could buy a car and park the RV outside of Ash Springs.

And what will you do if you get blackouts and break something or hurt someone? Then some longtime, incorruptible local resident calls the police and you’ll be behind bars before you can whisper “Louisa Scriver!” And then you’ll never see her again.

Dammit!

Like after a fight, I suck the dried blood from my split knuckles. If I can’t get to Lou in Ash Springs, how else am I going to see her again?

I could buy a house in Ash Springs, but that wouldn’t solve my flashback problem. Even if I’m not lying in wait with a camera, after a few weeks, my strange behavior and blackouts would be noticed. The reason I fled to the Yukon! Plus, would I really want to see in person how Lou takes her boyfriend home one day?

You could be the one she takes home.

Because she really wants you, too. Especially someone like you!

---