Page 104 of Trapped: Until The Darkest Of Night

“Never.”

“That’s why you have enough money to lease the property.”

I shrug. “It’s dirty money. I have someone who washes it for me.”

“Oh…” Her eyes widen and I honestly wonder what part it is that upsets her. I kidnapped her. Dirty money, on the other hand, is…as minor as pickpocketing compared to robbery.

“I told you I’m not a good person.”

Her gaze locks with mine and seems frozen. “Have you ever made a terrible decision about what should happen to your opponent after a fight?” Her expression gives nothing away, but her body stiffens. I see that despite the down jacket over her shoulders.

“Never. I swear.”

“It must have been awful living like that,” she whispers and I hear restraint in her voice again, as if she doesn’t want to show her true feelings.

I shake my head. “Not for me. The violence and the poverty—both were better than what I had faced before.”

We both know that before denotes the time my flashbacks are from. I just can’t tell what Lou knows about it.

We fall silent again and watch the ducks swim past us.

“So you left when you had enough money?” Lou asks after a while.

I toss the last pebble into the water and watch it sink with a soft plop. “I rented a decent apartment when I was eighteen. I would have continued that life if it hadn’t been for the incident.” And of course the flashbacks. I shake my head at myself. “It was only then that I realized what I was actually doing. I never wanted to kill anyone, I just didn’t care about my own life.”

“You didn’t care about your life?” Lou’s tone reveals disbelief and bewilderment.

I stare at the moon’s gleaming reflection, rising and falling with a few ripples in the water, and think of the days of my youth. “There was nothing I wanted to live for. Maybe that’s why I was so good. I was never scared during a fight. I always risked everything because death was an acceptable option. I never truly emerged from the darkness until I found you.” I give Lou a challenging look, but I don’t feel like I can actually take her on.

Lou meets my gaze, her eyes shining deep and dark like the lake, curious, not dismissive. “When was that?”

“About a year ago.” A shadow of a smile crosses my face. Again, I reach for the pebble-lined bank and grab a handful of stones, enclosing them in my fist. “Three years ago, I gave notice on the apartment and bought the RV. I wanted to leave, just drive off. I had enough money. A month later, I ended up here and stayed for the summer.”

“And in winter?”

“The two winters prior to that one, I spent in a small town. This past winter I spent here. The property comes with an old log cabin by the lake. It’s small, but spacious enough to survive in.”

Lou stares at me like she doesn’t understand anything anymore. “Why didn’t you take me there?”

“I’m still going to.” The thought of wintering with Lou at Quiet Lake, watching the wolves on the lake at night and sleeping with her in the fur bed makes me smile. “In the middle of winter, the inside of the RV gets too cold to survive. You asked me about it once, remember?”

Lou nods. “Yes, I remember now.”

“The house is on a lake and you can only get there on foot. It’s a long way and even more deserted than here. I had been alone there for four months last winter.” In my mind, I hear the Chinook howling over the mountain peaks and a chill runs through my limbs. By God, I never want to be as lonely as I was during those cold four months ever again.

“Did you find me then?” Lou asks bluntly.

“I had a laptop. The connection was bad, only a few hours a day, and the generator was always acting up because of the cold. But in winter, it was paradise. I’ve dreamed of showing it to you one day.”

I think about the many weeks that Lou’s posts got me through that freezing, ice-cold winter. How many times was I standing at the window of the cabin and imagining she was with me and I could show her all the hidden magic of winter. She doesn’t even know that she saved my life and I can’t tell her, either. I don’t think she would understand. Who could?

For a moment that could also be an eternity, we look at each other. Lou’s eyes still shimmer, so blue and unfathomable, full of questions and feelings that she doesn’t express. It almost seems to me as if I am seeing the images of winter in them. My bridge to her. The snow-covered sky, the glittering crystals in the air, the mist dancing over the lake like a disembodied ghost. Before I can stop myself, I tell her about the Yukon winter. About the lake freezing over and its eerie melody, the deep red winter sun, the gigantic shadows and the ice crystals floating over the lake like diamond dust. I tell her how this land first saved me, then made me sick, and how lonely I was.

When I finish, I feel drained and realize Lou is looking at me oddly. Maybe now she finally thinks I’m crazy. Who spends their winters alone in the wilderness? Or his whole life? Automatically, I squeeze the pebbles in my hand as if to pulverize them.

Lou gently shakes her head and wraps her fingers around my clenched fist. Her gentle touch makes me freeze, like the first time she hugged me in the RV.

“Have you ever had any friends?” she asks quietly. “Or a girl you wanted?”

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