Page 14 of Taking It Off

I should be at least a little upset about Steve, too. But until the guys showed me who he was, Steve was nothing but a random name on a screen. Even though I took his life for what I found on his computer, in addition to the contract that was taken out on him, he still wasn’t real to me. Now he is. Steve had an ex-wife and two kids that he saw once a month. They’re better off without him, but they don’t know that. The kids are too young to understand that sentiment.

I wonder if I should have left some evidence of Donovan’s role in all this for the cops or his family to find. I hate the thought that Luke might have seen it; that’s what stopped me. I can’t let that happen again. I have to do the job and separate that from personal ties.

I’m good at my job; it’s my mission. I have to take this ring down, no matter who gets hurt in the crossfire. They have to be stopped. No matter what the personal cost is. Even if I lose everyone I love, I have to save these women and children who are being exploited. They’re depending on me. It doesn’t matter that they have no idea I exist. I’m the only one who can save them. I have to keep going. I can’t let this speed bump stop me. But am I prepared to walk away from happiness if that’s what it takes?

I have to be. Knowing it and doing it are two very different things. I’m not sure that when push comes to shove, I’ll actually be able to leave. I hope I don’t find out.

By the time the movie is over, Luke is asleep again, with his head resting on my lap. I don’t have the heart to wake him up. “I can carry him to bed so you can head out,” Jeremy offers.

“I don’t want to wake him,” I say.

“He won’t wake up.” Jeremy proves his point by hoisting Luke into his arms. My sweet vampire doesn’t even seem to notice.

“I’ll be back first thing in the morning,” I insist, kissing Luke’s forehead before pressing a kiss to Jeremy’s lips. Will stops me at the door and kisses me.

“He’ll be okay. We’ll keep an eye on him tonight. Get some rest so you can recover, too.” I’d nearly forgotten my excuse for avoiding them for two days.

“Yeah, I’m feeling pretty run down right now.” It’s not a lie, but I can’t explain why I feel that way, either.

I head back down to my apartment, stopping to lean against the door after I close it. Tears stream down my face. I feel so loved and so alone at the same time. Each of my guys expressed concern about my health today, making the guilt at lying to them worse.

I have to figure out how to handle this before I end up doing something stupid and confessing. There’s no way to finish what I’ve started from behind bars, and I don’t want to give up what I have with the guys. I hate myself for being so selfish, but I can’t help it. I’ve been through so much in my life already.

six

GUILT AND PENNANCE

EMILY

Once I’m back in my apartment, I wish I hadn’t promised to go back upstairs in the morning. I don’t know how I can keep facing them when I’m the one who’s caused their misery. How long will it be until they figure that out and either turn me in, or tell me to get lost?

I go through the motions with my cam clients. I don’t really enjoy it like I used to. This experience seems to be changing me. I can’t just disappear from my cam life, though. I need to keep my clients happy so that I can continue to use this as a cover for my other job. The job that’s never made me feel guilty before, and I don’t know how to deal with it.

After a fitful night’s sleep, I head to the coffee shop around the corner to grab breakfast. If I’m ever going to make it up to the guys, I have to start somewhere. Coffee and donuts sound like as good a place as any. With my arms loaded down with bags of pastries and a drink carrier, I head up to their apartment.

Jeremy answers after one knock, and I know they’ve had as little sleep as I have. “Was it bad?” I ask, handing over part of my haul.

He nods, letting me walk ahead of him into the kitchen. “Luke is having nightmares now. Somehow, he got the idea that whoever killed his dad is coming after him next.”

“What? That’s ridiculous,” I say, stopping myself from finishing my thought. I would never take Luke out the way I did his father. I can’t tell them that, though. Admitting what I’ve done would ruin everything. “Why would anyone want to hurt Luke?”

“That’s what we’ve been trying to convince him—that no one is after him. Sadly, that doesn’t stop the nightmares,” Jeremy explains, pulling me into a hug after we set everything on the table.

“I just got him back to sleep,” Will says as he enters the room. “He’ll have to drink cold coffee later, because I’m not going back in there to wake him, and neither are you.” The forcefulness in Will’s voice makes my heart jump. I’m happy that they’re all so protective of each other. I guess growing up together will do that for people, though.

I hand each of them a cup, then pick up a bag of pastries with mine and head to the living room. They only ever eat dinner in the kitchen, so I know I’m not overstepping. Will and Jeremy follow me, taking seats beside me on the couch. While I enjoy their warmth, I also feel a little smothered because of everything going on inside my head right now.

We eat in silence, drinking our hot coffee between bites of sugary goodness. Part of me is dying to ask more about their families, to learn more about their fathers, but I’m too scared to ask. What used to be comfortable silence is filled with anticipation, and not in a good way. Jeremy and Will don’t seem to notice that I’m distracted at first.

“Em?” Exasperation is clear in his voice, and I’m certain it’s not the first time Will’s said my name.

“I’m sorry, I guess I was daydreaming. What is it?” I shake myself to refocus.

“I asked if you were going to stick around today, or if you had to work,” Jeremy responds. Fuck. I hadn’t thought past breakfast.

“I have to work, but I can come back after if you want,” I offer. As much as I enjoy spending time with them, I’m paranoid that I’m somehow going to let it slip that I’m the one responsible for all of this. I can’t give myself that chance. I need to find a way to prevent that from happening.

“I’m sure there are rules and stuff about your job, but can you tell us anything about your clients? We’ve only seen your public show, so we’re curious about the private chats,” Will interjects.

---