Page 254 of If You Give an Artist a Killer Muse

Not as big as mine, but it’s cute.

Actually, it’s close to me and Rurik’s little slice of paradise, so that both made me happy and upset because Rurik is near even when he’s not.

During those three weeks, I changed my number. I still have the apartment, but I never came home for fear that Rurik would be there waiting for me. So, I had Nat or Oscar grab things for me when needed.

As I mention earlier, I’m a fucking coward.

God, if only I could turn back time and tell Briar back then that she would fear a man because of love… She’d laugh her ass off.

I also told Mr. Rogers and Nat that I was done. I’m done being the Charons’s so-called secret weapon. I’m just done with that life. The thrill of killing those who deserve it doesn’t really do it for me anymore. Ever since I let Philip go, I’ve just been feeling empty. Not excited. Bored.

To my surprise, they agreed that I should just retire.

“I’ll miss working with you,” Oscar had said as he patted me on the shoulder.

Mr. Rogers looked disappointed but nodded. “We’re still your family, though.”

I almost cried right then and there.

I told them, “If you need help, you can still call me.” I’m still their secret weapon. It's just… super casual now, I guess.

Then, they told me to focus on retiring.

I remember laughing when they said that. Retire? As if I’m a woman in her 60s? I’m only in my 20s, yet I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life.

But I’m not comfortable. Not anymore.

Not for three weeks.

After I changed my number and only gave it to Nat, Oscar, and Mr. Rogers, I collected everything I had on Philip. Just like I told him, I wasn’t going to kill him. But I never said I wouldn’t say anything to Rurik.

Technically, I didn’t say anything.

I just sent him the video footage in front of the security cameras from the trains we blew up, videos of people we caught and forcing them to confess who their boss is, which is Philip. I even sent him old documents that recorded his time with my parents as Chef Greene.

I sent Rurik everything I could regarding his stepdad, with a note from me that said, “I’m sorry for everything, Rurik. But I couldn’t stay silent and not tell you the truth. Do what you want with all this info.”

Was I aware of the possibility that Rurik would destroy all the evidence? Yes. Nat, Oscar, and Mr. Rogers all warned me of that. But I didn’t care.

I’m just done.

The darkness and demons came back, just like I knew they would. I saw my doctor for the first time in what felt like years and asked him to give me something to keep everything at bay. But after taking them for a week, I felt wacky and hated it.

So I poured the pills down the toilet.

Since those didn’t work, I went back to cutting.

What?

Rurik isn’t with me anymore to see the cuts. I can freely go back to my self-sabotaging ways if that means getting even a second of relief from the darkness and the demon voices in my head.

I started reading again, though. I’ve lived a thousand lives thanks to reading.

I cut and read—my two favorite things to do now.

Actually, I had to pause on the cutting when Nat asked why I kept wearing long sleeves and oversized clothes when it was nearly 100 degrees outside. I told her that I was sensitive to the sun, to which she called out on my bullshit.

Jesus.

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